Is watching porn cheating?…..Um, no.

The title should be enough, but if you’re still with me, don’t read on Mum.

Disclaimer: When I use the term “porn” in this blog I am of course referring to sexual materials featuring consenting adults. That’s fine in my book, anything involving people who aren’t consenting adults is of course wrong and a far more series deal than just cheating.

I’m a sucker for some clickbait and so when I saw a tweet from Huffington Post the other day asking if watching porn was cheating I followed the link through. I didn’t agree with what the article from TV agony aunt/advice giver Dr Phil said, which was basically yes, porn is cheating.

I don’t think it is.

Both MWG and I use pornography when we’re apart, and I wouldn’t consider her enjoying some smut as a betrayal. And it’s never really caused a problem, well, aside from our differing tastes, MWG doesn’t understand Sara Jay’s appeal and there’s one genre of porn she’s asked me not to watch anymore. A request I respect.

Because that’s what it’s all about- Respect.

If your partner asks you not to watch porn, or a specific type, and does so in a respectful, rational way, then you should respect that request. So if your partner, like some of MWG’s friends, has a porn embargo, then you stop watching, or if they dislike a certain star/type then avoid that. And if anything you watch makes them uncomfortable, you should discuss it, reassure them and change appropriately.

Anyway, back to the article. I’m going to go through it raising my objections, and arguments with the piece, so it’s probably worth you guys reading it first. Don’t worry it’s a quick read and I’ll wait right here as you go through it.

Done? Cool, then let’s crack on.

1. Porn is OK.

Pornography gives you a chance to explore and express your sexuality and fantasies.

In a healthy relationship you should be able to discuss this with your partner, the things that get you going, the things you want to try. Sure, they might not be down for everything you suggest, and if they’re not, then forget it and move on. But if it appeals to both of you? Then give it a whirl, if it works you’ve got a fun new activity, if it doesn’t, well you tried and you might get a funny story out of it.

2. Not an insult

Here’s the thing. When you’re with someone you don’t become blind to the attractiveness of every other person on Earth. To believe otherwise is just foolish.

I mean, sure, control it a bit and don’t be a douche about it. But we’re all adults here, most of us realize our partner is going to consider at least 50% of Brangelina attractive. The difference is that you can find other people attractive, but there’s only one person you really want to be with. In fact, isn’t that more flattering? That they fancy others but they fancy you the most, rather than they’re oblivious to the appeals of everyone else?

As long as you’re respectful and reassuring to your partner that you still find them attractive, it shouldn’t be a problem.

Similarly, watching porn doesn’t mean that something is lacking from your relationship or sex life. It just means that you’re horny at that moment in time. Your partner isn’t going to be there all the time when the urge arises so them hitting play on some smut isn’t an insult to them.

3. It’s not real. No s**t, Sherlock.

Hopefully we’re all sensible enough to realize that real world sex isn’t going to be like in porn, and holding ourselves to that standard is ridiculous.

Sure, porn may have heightened athleticism, weird positions and bleached assholes, but real sex has so much more.

For one thing, it’s the real thing and has intimacy and passion that most porn is lacking. As good as technology gets, nothing is going to match the connection you feel with another person when you get it on, even if it is just a one time thing.

It’s also funnier.

Yes, I said funnier. Weird turns of phrases, bedroom misadventures, sex can be hilarious and sometimes you’ve got to laugh. Maybe not during the deed, but afterwards at least. I saw the below a while ago, and I fully believe it to be true.

4. The exploitation factor

Okay, I’m not an idiot, exploitation occurs in pornography, and when it does, it’s a bad thing.

However, in the new internet era, to assume that every porn performer is an exploited, damaged victim just isn’t realistic and actually a little bit patronizing. There are lots of men and women out there who realize that their body can work for them and so they take to phone lines, webcams and modelling to make a living. Some may have had a rough time, but some are just normal people trying to get by.

Saying that they’re all being exploited is like saying that there’s no way these people could happily explore or profit from their sexuality. I think what Dr Phil is talking about is women, which belies a sexist line of thought that says only men watch porn and that a woman must be forced into this and not have any control over their lives.

The most telling line is when he describes them as “someone’s daughter”, here’s the thing, Doc, if you just said “somebody” I’d know what you meant, a person. I don’t have to have a woman linked to a man to attribute value to them, they’re a person already.

Dr Phil seems to be coming at this from a rather old fashioned view, in terms of online porn, there are plenty of homegrown smut peddlers out there who have set up and run their own sites or services, helping them make money from the needs and urges of others. Maybe it’s not the career they dreamed about as a kid (unless they were a weird/advanced child) but that doesn’t mean that they’ve “taken a really, really wrong turn”.

5. Porn doesn’t make you cheat.

Here’s the thing, is porn going to make you a cheater? Probably not. If you’re gonna cheat, you’re gonna cheat. If you’re somebody who’s never going to cheat, it’s not like seeing Gianna Michaels at work is going to instantly lead you astray, is it?

A few minutes of hardcore penetration aren’t going to make you rush out and shag the first person who’s up for it.

In fact, let’s be frank, if your partner’s going to get horny, wouldn’t you rather they had their underwear around their ankles and a laptop open, than go out still charged up? Porn is a safe, easy way to release sexual tension and pent up desires when you can’t be the with your partner.

As Stephen Stills should have sung: If you can’t be with the one you love, love yourself.

So, yeah, porn isn’t cheating. Cheating is cheating. As long as your porn use isn’t too excessive and you’re open with your partner, I think porn can actually have a positive effect on your relationship, not a negative one.

But that’s just my opinion.

Any thoughts? You know what to do. BETEO.