Fat Boy on a Diet: August Update Part 2: Saw That Coming
Posted: September 11, 2018 Filed under: Personal, Weight | Tags: body image, Dark Chris, fat boy on a diet, Life, personal, weight, weight loss Leave a commentSo, yesterday I finally climbed onto the scales for the first time in a while.
It didn’t make for good reading.
I’ve put back a bit of weight and the gains I made a couple of months back have been wiped out.
There’s no excuses, this is all on me. While I have been getting a fair amount of exercise in the form of walking more, I’ve also been guilty of snacking and overindulgence. This shit has got to stop.
It’s like I’m sabotaging myself, and when I do then check in on the scales my confidence takes a knock and I feel crappy. This cycle needs to stop, I joined the gym a while back and haven’t been yet, which speaks to my laziness, and frankly isn’t good enough. I don’t have the money to throw away, and so starting from the next payday I’m going to set aside some cash to ensure I can bus to the gym a few times every month.
Also, wasting days off on the sofa is out, and every day I’m free I will take the dog for a walk and try to eat better.
I really need to lose weight, doing so will not only help my physical health, but it will also help me mentally and curb the self loathing that strikes now and then. Dark Chris has had a field day over this news, and I was pretty low yesterday.
Time to stop talking and get doing. Hopefully the September update will show some improvement.
Not a fun post to write, and probably not that fun to read. Apologies, but still in a bit of a funk over this.
Any thoughts? You know what to do. BETEO.
Fat Boy on a Diet: August Update: The Great Unknown
Posted: September 4, 2018 Filed under: Body Issues, Personal, Weight | Tags: body image, body issues, Dark Chris, Life, personal, weight, weight loss Leave a commentI realise that this weight update is a couple of days late, but I was away at the end of last week, and Monday was the date with the scales.
Unfortunately, I couldn’t make Chub Club on Monday evening, and so, I have no idea what my current weight is. You’d think that this would render this update pointless, but I did make it one of my resolutions to have a monthly update. So, technically I’m keeping that going.
I’m not sure how I feel about not weighing on Monday, as obviously it was bad, but on the other hand kinda good.
I say kinda good, because I’m worried that August hasn’t been a great month for me, diet-wise. I’ve stuck to it for the most part, but WoM went away last week for a few days, and my eating there wasn’t great.
Similarly, while I have done a decent amount of exercise this month, it was less than I’d intended. Thanks in part to work getting on top of me again, and the whole cramp issue. So, while I’d been hopeful for August, I don’t think I’ve made much progress.
Of course, not weighing does have it’s negatives.
I have no idea how I’ve done.
This leaves it up to my mind to make wild guesses.
Logically I know it can only have swung a little bit, but I will admit to not knowing which way it has gone. Unfortunately, logic doesn’t help silence the inner voice that tells me I’m a failure and that I’ve probably gained heaps this month.
This negative voice, who I’ll call Dark Chris (or DC), is always there in the background. Much of the time, I can silence him or defeat him with common sense. But the realm of body image and weight issues is where he shines. It’s DC who offers the unhelpful commentary when I catch sight of myself in a mirror, who tells me I’m gross when I’m all sweaty through exertion.
I weigh on Monday and hopefully will be able to shut DC up then. At least I’ll have an accurate sign of how I’m doing. There’ll be an update after that, but I’m trying really hard to be good this week.
Whether this pays off will be revealed next week for the more accurate August update.
Any thoughts? You know what to do. BETEO.
Born to Run? Why I’m gonna start running again.
Posted: August 16, 2018 Filed under: Body Issues, Personal, Weight | Tags: body confidence, body image, body issues, couch to 5k, Juggernaut Zone, Life, personal, running, The Juggernaut, weight 1 CommentOne of my major regrets is that I stopped running when I went back to university in 2013. By that point I’d been running for almost two years, and I loved it, not only was I in better shape, but it was a great chance to clear my head, it made me feel good and I just enjoyed doing it.
So, why did I stop?
Well, the first hurdle was trying to adjust to university life again. Unlike Film Studies, Nursing was a pretty intense course and I was in lectures pretty much five days a week, in the evenings I was wiped out and would just hang out with my flatmates and I didn’t fancy waking up super early for a run before lectures I found difficult.
The other issue was that living in halls put me off the idea a little. I didn’t want to come back after a run looking all sweaty, red faced and gross. I know that’s daft, but in 2013, despite being at my lightest for years, I was still massively self conscious, and cared a lot about what other people thought about me. I think moving to a new city and going back into halls had really shaken me, I was around a decade older than my flatmates and I felt a bit of an outsider. I also worried that I looked lame trying to hang out with them and that my running might be judged, which is silly and not something I should have let get under my skin.
As a result in the entire first year I managed about three runs.
It was pretty dumb as the running probably would have given me a release valve for the stresses of the course and with a Park Run a few minutes away I could probably have improved my performances over that time. Unfortunately, I just kinda let it peter out.
Of course, the major impact of this was that my weight started to creep back up, not helped by the fact that I was drinking more and eating crap.
But I think a worse effect was on my mental health and wellbeing.
I was never a super runner, I wasn’t the fastest and I didn’t cover massive distances, usually around the 8-9k mark in around an hour. And I probably looked a total mess, but the thing is, none of these things mattered.
I’ve heard of “runner’s high”, this feeling of being utterly in the zone, exhilarated and even a bit euphoric, and I totally had a version of that. After a few minutes I would find my rhythm and enter what I call the Juggernaut Zone.
This was the feeling of being unstoppable I got when I was in full flow. I’d run straight ahead, feeling that anybody on my path had best get out of my way because I felt unstoppable.
It was a great feeling, especially for someone like me, who usually felt kinda powerless or adrift. When running I had purpose, I had power. I was the Juggernaut, b***h!
I’d love to get that feeling back again. While my life is a lot better in lots of ways than it was in 2013, I’d be lying if I didn’t acknowledge that some stuff has got worse. Not only am I physically worse now, but my body image has taken a real kicking. I’ve always been self conscious and never felt particularly proud or happy with the man in the mirror, but I know that when I was running I felt better about myself.
This wasn’t because my scales were telling me that (in fact, I was only weighing about every six months or so, if that) but because of how I felt about myself. Sure, I was tired after a run, but I’d earned that tiredness, and it was getting easier all the time. That good feeling didn’t end with the run, it carried over into my everyday life. Hell, that newfound confidence was part of what gave me the nerve to gamble with going back to university.
That might not have worked out, but I think if I hadn’t I’d probably still be working my crappy job in Swansea, living in a rented room and never would have met WoM and built the life that I have now.
I’m not saying that running is gonna cure everything, but if it helps with my weight loss and body issues, that alone will be a good thing. But I think having that outlet and doing something constructive and for myself every couple of days will make me feel a lot better in myself. And if I feel better about myself I’m probably more likely to try to better myself further.
So, I’ve downloaded a new Couch to 5k app and I’m going to give it another go. It got me there the first time, so here’s hoping it can do the trick again.
It’s coming…
Any thoughts? You know what to do. BETEO.
Fat Boy on a Diet: June Update: Positive Steps
Posted: June 29, 2018 Filed under: Body Issues, Personal, Weight | Tags: body image, fat boy on a diet, Life, personal, resolutions, weight loss Leave a commentAs a fat man I have not been flourishing in this heat, reduced to nothing more than a puddle at times, it’s hit the proposed exercise regime hard as I’ve quickly baked in the sun and required copious amounts of drinks whenever I can. This means that June’s weight loss has been a failure.
To be honest, finding this out at my last weigh in was a major kick in the teeth, and left me feeling properly shit. I decided to write a monthly update to motivate myself, but for the last couple of months it’s basically been an exercise in publicising my failures. And as the weight has crept back up I’ve found myself feeling increasingly fed up.
The warm weather doesn’t help the fat man’s self confidence, as you feel all sweaty and gross, and that’s without throwing in a marked increase in chub rub. Any misgivings you have about your physical form are amplified by the discomfort. Looking at myself in the mirror is never something I particularly enjoy, but I hate it even more when I see a sweaty mess staring back at me.
So, standing on the scales was not a fun experience.
Time for a change.
But isn’t that what I said last month? And the month before? Why, dear reader, should you put any store in this statement?
Well, because I’m putting my money where my seemingly always full mouth is. I have paid out money in my endeavour to shed some pounds (and hopefully stones).
Step one, has been rejoining Chub Club. A previous membership actually helped quite a bit. The twin pillars of a clear eating plan and more regular weigh ins should work to keep me on the right path and remained focus.
Step two is something I’m not looking forward to. Yes, even less than standing on the scales in a crowded room. I’ve joined a gym.
WoM has joined the other day and is taking part in some of the classes they put on there. I’m less keen on doing this, so will be exercising on my own. I’m figuring if I use the bikes and treadmills while WoM is in her class, maybe even start doing some weights, it may not be so bad.
My ideal gym would be made up of several contained pods, with all the gear inside. That way I could exercise without fear of how bad I look doing it. I think I need to buy some new headphones and maybe an MP3 players so I can just tune everything out and stop caring about it.
Previous experience from when I used to run tells me that after a while I’ll stop giving a damn anyway as my confidence and comfort grows. It just sucks until that kicks in and you just feel self conscious and like everyone is laughing at or judging you.
Any thoughts? You know what to do. BETEO.
Fat Boy on a Diet: March Update: Mountains and Mirrors
Posted: March 30, 2018 Filed under: Body Issues, Personal, Weight | Tags: body confidence, body image, charity, fat boy on a diet, Life, personal, resolutions, Sport Relief, weight 1 CommentI haven’t been able to hop on the scales the last couple of weeks, so I don’t know exactly where I am weight wise.
With no hard data I’m gonna have to guess how the month has gone. I think I’ve lost a fair bit this month thanks in part to all the extra walking I did for Sport Relief (I raised £175 in the end, which is a start on my “raise £1m for charity” bucket list item).
Walking with Oz
I’ve also been swimming a couple more times, and while I still suck, I’ve passed 1000m which is more than I managed between 1999 and 2017. So, that’s something, I guess.
Eating healthy has been hit and miss, with us moving house there have been a few evenings when MWF and I couldn’t be bothered to cook and opted for take aways.
Despite feeling like I’ve lost weight this month, and enjoying the extra exercise, body confidence wise I can’t say I feel great. Our new bedroom has built in wardrobe with a mirrored front.
This means that getting up in the morning, or getting ready for bed I get to see my body as big as life. And twice as ugly.
I saw old photos of myself at university this week, and think I look better now, but back then I don’t remember having the same revulsion at my reflection. Or did I just ignore it then?
For those few moments before or after sleep I am confronted with a body I dislike. I have half baked plans for working on my bucket list and trying new things, but I feel I need to scale it back and for now, just focus on slimming down.
I know I’ll never be one of those insanely ripped guys, and frankly, I don’t want to be. But I definitely want to be smaller and more comfortable and happy with what I see in the mirror.
It might take a while though.
Any thoughts? You know what to do. BETEO.
Fat Boy on a Diet: Just Keep Swimming
Posted: March 1, 2018 Filed under: Body Issues, Personal, Weight | Tags: body confidence, body image, exercise, fat boy on a diet, Life, personal, resolutions, swimming, weight Leave a commentAfter posting my February update on Monday I went swimming properly for the first time since the late ’90s.
I’ve never been a particularly strong swimmer and out of my primary school class I was one of the last to move from the kiddie pool to the proper one. I was way behind the curve in earning my 100m swimming badge, getting mine at a point where their prestige had worn out for my classmates.
One of my few athletic achievements
Throw in the whole having to be topless aspect and I wasn’t exactly hammering down the door of my nearest baths.
But things changed last year. Under the Floridian sun and with a pool at our resort it seemed foolish to avoid the pool. And with WoM offering me reassurance and making me feel better about myself I hit the pool.
Nobody laughed. Nobody recoiled in horror. Nobody really cared, they just all went about their business.
As years of body image baggage and self consciousness drifted away, I quite enjoyed myself.
So, looking for a new way to exercise and shift some weight, I joined WoM at the pool today.
It did not begin well as after one length of painfully slow breast stroke my leg cramped up. I’ve had cramp before, but never in this spot, so it wasn’t fun. A bit of stretching and I was good to go.
I set myself a target of 20 lengths, ensuring a decent workout but allowing me time for some breathers.
Swimming is hard. Especially when you can’t completely remember how you do it.
My technique was pretty poor, but improved slightly with tips from WoM. My shoulders hurt from trying to keep my head up and I drank half the pool as I messed up my timing.
Compared to jogging, swimming sucks. There was no music and my mind didn’t wander. When I used to run I would daydream or plan things, but in the pool I was thinking about timing, technique and focused on that.
Also, I lacked the confidence I had on a run. When I got into my running rhythm I felt good, strong and unstoppable. Anyone who got in my way had better move, because I wasn’t stopping. I was the Juggernaut, b***h!
In the pool I felt slow, out of shape and meekly went around two old ladies chatting in my path.
Despite all this, I managed to hit my target and go beyond it, finishing 24 lengths.
Afterwards I felt pretty good. It wasn’t fun, but I felt better.
I’ll be going back. I need the exercise. I want to get better. And I can’t ignore Dory’s advice.
Any thoughts? You know what to do. BETEO.
“Fear of the Fat Man”
Posted: August 29, 2017 Filed under: Body Issues, Personal, Weight | Tags: body image, body issues, fat, personal, weight Leave a commentSomething I wrote a while ago but posted on Medium because I thought that would be more of a thing. As is, I barely check it and have only written like 4 articles on there. Anyway, here you go:
“Fear of the Fat Man” @nutupdate https://medium.com/@nutupdate/fear-of-the-fat-man-2b4ea247e1ed
Any thoughts? You know what to. BETEO.
Fat Boy on a Diet: Off the Scale
Posted: May 20, 2017 Filed under: Personal, Weight | Tags: body image, body issues, fat boy on a diet, health, Life, personal, resolutions, weight Leave a commentI went to the doctor’s on Friday. Fear not, reader, I’m not ill but I have been iffy recently and thought better to have a check up in case it turned out to be something I could fix.
After a quick exam I was asked to hop on the scales.
This is par for the course, at least for chubsters like me. I get it. Weight can be an exacerbating factor for many things and a doc should prompt you to get fitter in the same way they should tell people to quit smoking, health promotion is part of their job.
I don’t get when people complain about doctors advising them to lose weight, I mean, sure it should be approached tactfully, but what do you expect them to do? Ignore something that might be detrimental to your health?
So, logically I don’t mind. But I still feel embarrassed. Of course, it was about to get worse.
I stepped on and the shot round like Usain Bolt in a jetpack.
In fact it shot right by the last number.
Yes, my weight was beyond the measurements of the scale.
If only blushing burnt calories. I’d have dropped half a stone easy.
The Doc, without a word, fetched a second scale. This had a display screen. This could show my weight.
I know I’m big. I didn’t expect to step off at 10st or something. But seeing it in black and white hammers home.
Before uni, I was the lightest I had been for years. I was jogging, eating better and walking everywhere. I’m now back where I started in 2011, where I got on the scales for the first time in years.
The weight loss resolution is dead in the water. Penny pinching for the wedding meant I had to stop Chub Club. Laziness and apathy has seen my weight tick up slowly. Worse, I knackered my knee last year and that means jogging is out.
The doctor advised power walking. I have become Harold Bishop.
Dropping weight for the wedding seems a folorn hope. 5 months to go. Suit fitting in a month. I can shift a bit by October, hopefully, but it won’t be a lot.
Looking good and being comfortable in Florida looks unlikely.
The blame lies with me, and I need to buck up and sort this out. I can’t run, but there’s a local gym. It has a pool, but I don’t think I’m ready for that.
I have to do better.
Any thoughts? You know what to do. BETEO.
I don’t shave for Sherlock Holmes. Or anyone else.
Posted: February 26, 2017 Filed under: Personal | Tags: body image, hair, personal, random, weddings Leave a comment“Are you going to shave for the wedding?”
This is something I’ve been asked quite a lot recently. Sometimes repeatedly by the same person, which is a little annoying. One of my friends is not a fan of the face fuzz and clearly feels that I would look better clean shaven on the big day. This is fine, but as I’ve stated that my opinion opposes this the matter should be laid to rest now, right?
Me in the classic “look at my ring” pose
This is the first time I’ve really grown a beard properly. Prior to this I just used to occasionally let it grow for a while because I was too lazy to shave regularly. I am terrible at shaving, and would emerge smooth faced and bleeding like a character in an ’80s slasher movie.
As a student nurse I had to keep myself tidy while on placement, mainly because of the constant whining of my mentor. However, since I decided nursing wasn’t for me, I’ve not shaved in about a year and a half.
I’m not sure I should share that as it highlights just how patchy and crap my facial hair growth is. Seriously, look at the above photo. There’s enough hair there for me to rock a decent moustache and chin beard, but it’s all spread out across my face, meaning that my beard isn’t the best. I wish it was like one of those old magnet and iron filings things where I could just move the hairs around my face until I had a decent full beard.
I’d love to boast a full on Grizzly Adams beard, but alas, my hair grows in a stupid pattern. At least it now looks like an intentional beard, for a while it just looked like laziness.
Brian Blessed- Beard goals.
This is a downside of having a beard at the moment. I get the sense that people see it as me following the current trend for hirsute men. This isn’t true, it’s just a coincidence that beards are “in” while I’ve grown mine.
The reasons for my beard? Simple really;
- My hatred of shaving
- Laziness. It’s one less thing to do during my early morning zombie state.
- MWF likes the hairy look, so making her happy is an additional perk.
- The last time I did shave, for a job interview, I looked really young. And stupid. So, I’ll stick with mature and stupid for the foreseeable future.
I’ll give the beard a trim before the wedding, so that I look a little smarter than normal, but I don’t think shaving it off would do much.
Besides, it doesn’t matter how tidy I look at the start of the day, sooner or later I’ll spill food or drink down myself and shatter the illusion of being a smartly dressed grown up.
Any thoughts? You know what to do. BETEO.
Fat Boy on a Diet: Tormenting the Chubsters
Posted: February 8, 2017 Filed under: Body Issues, Personal, Weight | Tags: body image, chocolate, fat boy on a diet, food, personal, resolutions, weight Leave a commentI don’t think it was deliberate. I don’t think a child that small is capable of such casual meanness but unknowingly the five year old was trolling every single member of Chub Club.
As we queued nervously to be weighed or flicked through our books realising treats would have to be sacrificed this little girl danced happily in the centre. The focus of all the group’s envy.
Firstly, she was happy and comfortable in a way that had abandoned her elders present. Her dancing was untempered by self consciousness, boundless enthusiasm making up for any ability or music. But more than this, and the real reason for the jealousy was that she happily are a Cadbury’s Wispa without any remorse.
I’m not saying nobody else present has eaten chocolate recently, but I doubt any have done without a twinge of guilt or lack of thought.
I’d eaten a pack of M&Ms with the Superbowl and had regretted it. As I queued for the scales I felt distinctly pessimistic about how I had done this week. The M&Ms had followed a pepperoni pizza and been followed by a small stack of ginger nuts.
It was barely a drop in the excess of Superbowl weekend globally, but it was still a mistake and a moment of greedy weakness, under the flimsy excuse that it was a special occasion.
So I wasn’t feeling confident.
I paid my membership and then emptied my pockets, removed my shoes and hoodie and rechecked my pockets. I neared the front of the line, the scales looming and my spirits low.
I’d followed the new regime, but there had been a few wobbles and there was nowhere to hide. I hadn’t given my all and I was about to reap the consequences on the display.
Stepping into the scales I watched the number climb. And climb and then stop.
I gaped in surprise.
I had lost 4.5 lbs.
I was pleased with my slightly undeserved success and decided that I needed to steady myself. The wobbles must stop and I had to fully commit. Stock to the rules and not go over my treat allowance.
I prepped a salad and healthy snack for my shift the next day and watched TV.
But as I lay in bed awaiting sleep the voice of greed started to whisper.
“I could murder a Wispa right now.”
Any thoughts? You know what to do. BETEO.
