Milking it: Seriously, Josie, it’s getting really hard to have your back

Josie Cunningham, the notorious “NHS boob job” girl, has continued to haunt the tabloid press, and her newly arrived daughter has been born into a crazy world. Having narrowly avoided having her entrance into this world attended by four strangers, her daughter’s now unwittingly become part of the tabloid circus following Josie’s latest Twitter blunder.


Josie was asked by various people on Twitter if she was breastfeeding, and her response was, shall we say, unexpected:

wish people would would stop asking if I’m breast feeding like Kimberley Walsh! No I’m not! I think the idea is vile and borderline incest

She later stated to The Sun that her “breasts are for my partner, not my child”, which is just lunacy. She then stated that while it may be “natural” but people need to move with the times. Hmmm.

I get that breastfeeding isn’t for every mother, and pushing it as vitally important merely serves to make mothers who have problems doing so feel bad about themselves.

Josie seems to have forgotten that breasts served a purpose before they became sexualised, and that was feeding infants. She seems to have got mixed up on this.

It gets even weirder, as Josie has decided not to share the milk with her partner instead choosing to sell her breast milk.

She isn’t the first to do this (I wrote about another case here) and interestingly, Josie has proven to be slightly savvy in this new business. She plans to sell to other parents for £2 an ounce, but will charge £10 to milk fetishists.

Yes, milk fetishists.

Some might feel this is a little gross, but the world don’t move to the beat of one drum, and there are probably stuff we’re all into that others don’t dig or find odd.

In his second autobiography Russell Brand spoke to involving it in his liaison with a new mother, so it may be more common than people think.


I can’t lie I’m rather curious about how it tastes, having not had any since my own childhood and I don’t remember much about that. Of course, if I ever do try it again it will most likely be provided courtesy of MWG should we have kids, and hopefully free of charge. This would also allow me to explore my attraction to pregnant women.

Whether Josie finds a buyer or not remains to be seen, but there’s probably a market, so she might make a small profit.

But this latest, bizarre plan, coupled with her daft views on breastfeeding is making it harder to defend her as she continues to hand ammunition to her numerous critics. However, I wish her and her new baby well.

Any thoughts? You know hat to do. BETEO.


Baby Boom: The Josie Cunningham saga gets weird

So, Josie Cunningham is back on the blog. For those not up to date check out the tag at the top of the post, for everyone else, let’s read as her story takes a turn for the bizarre.


On Twitter earlier in the week Josie announced that if her followers picked up a copy of the gossip mag Closer she’d be revealing “the special experience I’ll be offering 4 of my fans”. I didn’t buy the mag, I’m skint and I’m not a fan of those mags anyway, so I kinda forgot and then I went on Twitter.

Josie has recently started a regular Q&A session on the social networking site, using the hashtag #AskJosie. It’s a crazy idea for someone as notorious as Josie and it regularly devolves into insulting, cruel and obscene questions. It’s all rather depressing, and while Josie puts on a brave face and fires back it can’t be easy to be hit by such a wave of vitriol. The sheer, disgusting abuse that is sent her way is horrible enough from the sidelines, and leaves me perplexed as to why these people feel the need to weigh in like this. If you don’t like Josie, and I can see why many don’t just ignore her. Why make someone else’s life miserable?

Reading some of this I remembered the tease from the other day. So I did a quick Google.

The “special experience” was the chance to be present at the birth of Josie’s baby. For a price.

Two fans would be shelling out 5k for the privilege and the others ten grand, which allows them the opportunity to take photos of the baby.


As part of the nursing course we had a day of midwifery, and at the end of it my reaction was “Thank the gods I’m a bloke”, while a female friend commented “I’m never having a kid.”

Seriously, I’m not even sure I want to be present at the birth of my own kids (can I just hand out cigars in the waiting room 50s style?) so witnessing a stranger’s is not something I want to get in on. Especially not at those prices.

I could finally go to New York for that much money, and have enough left over for Download next year. I mean no disrespect to Miss Cunningham, but I don’t think her baby’s arrival is worth that kind of money.

Clearly others disagree with me and the tickets were snapped up in less than quarter of an hour. Who these people are will probably be revealed at some point, and I’m gonna go out on a limb and say they’re a little weird. Because this is seriously weird.

At least if she uses the money to pay off the money that paid for her boob job it might get some of the trolls off her back, but somehow I doubt it. This is less about angry taxpayers and more about people wanting to be nasty buggers online, but at least it’s a step in the right direction for Josie.

The paying back I mean, the tickets to the birth thing is just bonkers and another weird chapter in her bizarre “celebrity” life.


Any thoughts? You know what to do. BETEO.

Only the good die young

I like to keep an eye out on the weirder and smaller news stories, and today I read one that caught my eye.

An elderly couple in Switzerland have just got pinched for going on a mini-crime spree where they raided the collection boxes of local churches, stealing hundreds of Swiss francs in the process.

Writing about Switzerland, so may as well break out this quality pun

Writing about Switzerland, so may as well break out this quality pun

But this isn’t a story of the recession biting and forcing the coffin dodging brigade into a life of crime, no the couple in their early 70s are apparently well off and started their robbing as a source of excitement. They’ve said that they got a buzz from “the pleasure of the forbidden” (which would be a good album title) and seem to have just got hooked on it.

In many ways it’s a terrible story, with this rich couple stealing other people’s charitable donations, which is pretty low. And even as an agnostic I’d never rob from a religious organization, just in case those guys are actually right. Best not to make any enemies if you can avoid it.

At the same time there’s something oddly charming about the story, and you can imagine it being reworked into a lighthearted caper movie.

Pitch time:

An ageing couple, stuck in a humdrum small town life steal some cash to pay for a taxi, having to leg it to avoid capture. The buzz they get from it leaves them on a high and they decide to start a crime spree to add some spark to their lives. They go on the lam, robbing their way from town to town and enjoying themselves again (cue montage of them dancing and drinking in bars, or whatever).

I’m seeing Anthony Hopkins and the foxy Helen Mirren as the couple, Emily Blunt as their mortified daughter who has to deal with the fallout and Chris O’Dowd as the bungling copper who has to bring them in, and falls for Blunt in the process.

Helen Mirren

Incidentally if anyone makes that movie now I expect a bit of cash, or at least an invite to the premiere and a chance to meet Emily Blunt and Helen Mirren, which will probably be a short meeting before their security bounced me, but it’d still be nice.

Anyway, sorry for the short post today, but I’m still kinda hungover, so this will have to do.


Any thoughts? You know what to do. BETEO.

If at first you don’t succeed, try another 4,999 times

You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take- Wayne Gretzky 

Online dating can be a frustrating experience. You look for people who catch your eye and read their profile before firing off a couple of messages to try and break the ice.

Writing those messages is kinda tough. I always try to pick up on what the girl has on her profile and get the tone right, friendly and light, steering clear of being creepy.

I won’t lie, I don’t always get replies. That’s the nature of the game, you might not be someone’s cup of tea, or they may have had lots of messages and no time to reply. You just move on and try again.

Online dating is something of a numbers game, unless you win the love lottery and wind up with a serious contender for future life partner right off the bat. You have to read a lot of profiles and send out a lot of messages, that’s how it works, even if after a while it can feel a bit demoralizing.

Bearing this in mind I was rather impressed with a recent story I read which revealed that a dude in Serbia had sent messages to 5000 women on Facebook looking for a date.

I felt bad for the dude who admits that he has problems talking to woman face to face. I get that, and the internet does make it easier. Although at the same time it has it’s flaws, like I said, I always worry that I’m getting the tone wrong and going to come across as a creep, intent and tone is harder to read in text than face-to-face.

There’s also the fact that online dating is primarily looks based. Your profile picture has to encourage people to want to find more, which isn’t ideal for an ugly son of a bitch like me. In person, and with Dutch courage, I can chat to someone I like and hopefully do so in a goofy, funny way that doesn’t result in them being offended or with me crossing a line.

As I’ve got older I’ve found it a bit easier to approach people and a bit better at knowing when to leave without overstaying my welcome.

Now this dude, clearly feels to nervous to do that and uses social network. I don’t know what he puts in his messages, but it seems from that article that he seems to genuinely just want to fall in love, so I can’t see him sending anything seriously creepy, although he may be coming on a bit strong. And the fact that he’s messaging women he has no connection to might be unsettling for them.

But it’s the numbers I admire.

To have the strength to just keep trying. I think if I was consistently not getting any response (only 15 have got back in touch with him) I’d knock it on it’s head. Just live single for a while, because, honestly, while I have spells where it bugs the hell out of me, for the most part I’m okay, my natural shallowness allowing me to easily distract myself with music, books, movies and Mario Kart.

But this guy just picks himself up, dusts himself off and keeps looking. It might have got him negative attention and I do think he’s going about it the wrong way,perhaps he should go on a dating site instead of just randomly messaging women on Facebook. On dating sites you know what they’re looking for, and actually seeking a relationship. And while it’s a numbers game he might benefit from picking prospective partners with a higher level of discretion.

Anyway, I hope that he finds someone eventually.

Any thoughts? You know what to do. BETEO.

Hot for teacher

(Apologies for the title, which might undermine the general thrust of the post, but it’s rather late, and I couldn’t come up with anything better)

There’s always a massive difference in the way stories of teacher-student relationships are reported or treated. I think a lot of it comes from the assumption that most teenage boys are so horny that they’d quite like the idea of a female teacher showing them the ropes, and there’s an odd respect for them in a blokey, “get in my son!” kinda way. Hell, I’m not denying that as a teenager I had frequent fantasies and daydreams about some of my schoolteachers (Ah, Miss Richards, you almost made Welsh literature bearable) but there’s a difference between fantasy and reality. I also used to fantasize about having sex with all three members of the Sugababes at the same time but I know now it would have been a painfully embarrassing (for me) and disappointing (for them) experience had it happened.

The Sugababes- Teenage Chris would not have shown them a good time

The Sugababes- Teenage Chris would not have shown them a good time

The fact is, a female teacher making advances or abusing her position of trust is just as bad as a male teacher. You’re there to shape young minds, and help them get an education, not to make passes at them. Teenagers are hardly the most emotionally stable bunch, and toying with their feelings or placing them in a position where decisions may have long lasting impact is not cool.

I’m not even sure how it can develop. Looking back at my school days my classmates and I were loud, immature kids, many of whom weren’t even attractive to our peers, why a grown up would look at us with anything other than irritation or sympathy is beyond me.

But it happens. And whether the teacher is male or female, it ain’t good. I know there are examples of couples who stay together for the long haul, but they are the exceptions and I bet it’s still awkward for them for a good long while.

Whatever, I recently saw a story about a teacher in Texas who crossed the line. She didn’t shag the student or anything, and her actions may have been intended as a joke, but if they were it was a horribly misjudged one.

Felicia Smith, 42, decided that she would give one of her students a sixteenth birthday present.

A lap dance.

In front of the entire class.

It frankly boggles the mind that Smith would consider this a good idea or even consider it as an idea, but to go through with it is just unbelievable. For one thing not only is it inappropriate but it’s massively stupid, I mean, that is not going to gain you the respect of your class. You may briefly be the “cool” or “funny” teacher, but the class aren’t going to take you seriously again.

And also, it’s 2014. By now surely everyone is aware of how quickly something can go viral. It would only have taken one student to film the four minute performance (the Huffington Post article sadly doesn’t specify what she danced to, but as a traditionalist I’m hoping she went for Van Halen’s “Hot for Teacher”) and Smith would have become the latest dubious internet celebrity.

Thankfully, it appears that nobody did capture it on film which is a good thing, not just for Smith but for the lad in question. I can only imagine how mortifying it must have been for him, and afterwards he probably would have felt uncomfortable with raising any issues he might have with it for fear of ridicule. That’s where I think the gender difference really comes into play, I’ve heard the “if one of my teachers had wanted to shag me, I wouldn’t have complained” argument trotted off. A teenage boy gets the impression that he’s supposed to be constantly ready to go off like a loaded gun, and to express discomfort or vulnerability in the face of sexual attention will make him look like a loser.

And there are other reasons why it might be embarrassing to have your class watch as you get a lap dance.

It sounds as though the boy in this case didn’t seem to mind that much, and even played along, but it’s still a position in which he should never have been placed. How much of this was just teenage bravado?

And if a female student is seduced by a male teacher she may respond to his attentions, it doesn’t make it right, so why should the dude playing along and slapping her ass make a difference? It just seems in this kind of case that the perception is that student-teacher relationships aren’t as serious or potentially harmful when the teacher is female and the student male.

And that’s not right. Any relationship or action where an adult makes sexual overtures to a minor who they are responsible for is dodgy as all hell, regardless of the genders of those involved.

Smith has charged with having an improper relationship with a student, and was at the end of last month on suspension awaiting investigation. Hopefully she will no longer be allowed to teach, because this is definitely not kosher behaviour, and receive some form of punishment.

Jokey or not, this kinda thing shouldn’t be happening.

Any thoughts? You know what to do. BETEO.

News Grab Bag: Bunnies, Busts and Bedroom Blunders


Over in Switzerland a shopping centre decided that instead of using the cliche of bunny girls in skimpy clothes  for it’s Easter promotion they’d use an actual bunny in underwear. Cue this rather daft photoshopping:


It’s a fairly harmless, goofy little advert. I mean, who’s going to kick off about that?

Well, it would appear that some animal protection group kicked off about it, stating that “the respect of the rabbit has been badly damaged”. How someone used the phrase “respect of the rabbit” with a straight face is beyond me. I mean, come on, man, calm down it’s just a silly little advert.

They also claim that the ad promotes bestiality, which is one hell of a stretch. I got a lot of time for animal rights groups, needlessly hurting a living creature is a dick move, but when they chose to kick off about something as trivial as this I can’t help but feel it makes them look like a bunch of humourless tools and makes people take them less seriously. Why not just save the outrage for where it’s justified, yeah? (Here)


Quite frequently you hear of crimes being solved by a stroke of luck or random chance. But none are as lucky/unlucky as what happened up in Manchester recently.

A toddler was fooling around with his dad’s phone and accidentally rang 999. On the other end they heard muffled sounds before the line went dead and a cop car was deployed to investigate. Arriving at the scene they discovered that the child’s parents were actually growing weed on the house and the father got nicked.

The parents' stash

The parents’ stash

That little kid must be the youngest grass in the world, and you know that this story is going to be part of the family lore from now on. What I liked most of all was how the police force’s twitter account handled it, addressing the funny side of the story by tweeting “How many times can we stress not to let your children play with the phone? #NaughtyChild”. (Here)

Un-clever and definitely un-sexy

I’m all for trying new stuff out in the bedroom, I mean, folks have got to keep it fresh and it can be quite fun trying new things. But think it through first.

A couple apparently wound up in hospital because they decided to bring food into the bedroom in a unique way. They decided to melt down some Gummi Bears and eat them off each other.

The problem is, that by melting it down they turned the jelly teddies into a molten gloop which burnt the chest of the poor lady in question. They realized they couldn’t lick it off, and had to seek medical help.

I admire their adventurous spirit, even if their common sense and reasoning seems to have taken a break. I mean, could they not tell that when it was in the bowl it was really hot? And that it would eventually set again? Think it through, guys.

In future maybe just stick to the classics, like strawberries, Haagen Dazs or best of all, the whipped cream bikini as modeled by Ali Larter in Varsity Blues.

cream bikini

Turns out safe sex is more than just condoms. (Here).

Any thoughts? You know what to do. BETEO.

News Grab Bag Jan/Feb 2014: Deaths, Names and Badassery

Okay, so I routinely bookmark news stories that I’d like to write about, sometimes they get a post to themselves, but now and then a few smaller ones pile up and I do these News Grab Bag ones, so this is a collection of stories that caught my eye earlier this year but which I never got around to writing about. You may have heard some of them before but I hope you enjoy.

Early contender for badass of the year

It may only be the start of March, but it’s going to take a lot to topple James Grant as 2014’s badass champion.

Grant, a doctor in New Zealand was out fishing when friends when he was attacked by a shark. Now at this point I’d probably lose my shit completely and yell for Aquaman to come to my rescue, but the Kiwis, like their Aussie neighbours, are made of stronger stuff. Grant pulled his diving knife and repeatedly stabbed the shark which was sinking it’s teeth into his leg.

The shark swam off and Grant and friends returned to shore. At which point he did what every self respecting man from down under would- went for a pint. Admitting that adrenalin may have had something to do with it, Grant treated his own wounds with a first aid kit while having a beer before deciding to take himself off to hospital.

Grant shows off his bandage

Grant shows off his bandage


Going out in style

Being a morbid so-and-so I’ve spent far too much time thinking about what my funeral will be like. This mainly revolves around the music selection, although I have given some thought to my coffin. However, none of my ideas are as elaborate as two instances unique funerals that I read about recently.

First up, in Puerto Rico young boxer Christopher Rivera was gunned down. At his wake he was posed in full boxing regalia and mourners were allowed to pose with their lost loved one. It all seems a little weird to me but it’s unique and pays homage to what was an important part of his life.

Puerto Rico Standing Wake

The second story also revolves around what the deceased loved. Over in the States Bill Standley was laid to rest astride his Harley Davidson bike. His sons assisted in building a special coffin which would allow this to happen, after Standley started it while battling cancer. Described as a “quirky man” by his daughter, Standley would show visitors to his home the coffin and tell them his plans, which might seem grim to some but I gotta respect the dude for his creativity and sense of fun.

ngb standley

Contemptuous laugh

The fact that I’ve never been called up for jury duty is something that bugs me a lot. I think too many court room dramas have left me with an unrealistic impression of trials and how dramatic they are, but even taking this into effect I’m curious to see how the system works and also have dreams of being the sole voice for compassion and decency, Fonda-style.

People who have done jury duty have told me it’s either dull or distressing. Either way, it’s an experience that’s light on laughs.

Or usually it is, but recently in a London court room the judge had to tell the jurors to stop laughing.

To be fair the case they were hearing was a bizarre one. The accused is said to have attempted sex with a sheep after a cow wouldn’t perform fellatio on him. I defy anyone not to read that sentence and not snigger, it ranks high on the weird crime stories I’ve heard.


Well nobody can say they didn’t see it coming

There’s an obscure passage in the Bible about the handling of the snakes, which I’m only aware of because I read The Years of Living Biblically. Some Christians have taken this line to believe that God’s love will protect them from snake bites and snake handling preachers exist, who handle venomous snakes as part of their services.

It’s attention grabbing to say the least and there’s even been a TV show in the USA, which features Jamie Coots. In a tragic, if unsurprising turn of events, Coots died in February after being bitten by a snake.

I’m not religious and so this practice strikes me as extremely bizarre. For one it feels a bit presumptuous to test God’s love for you, I mean, I know the Christian almighty is a caring dude but that seems to be pushing it. If God does exist he’s got enough on his plate without having to deal with folks who are putting themselves needlessly at risk just to prove a point.

My sympathies go out to Coots’ loved ones, but I can’t help feeling that this was a stupid way to go out and this sort of practice really needs to stop.



Out for Justice

The Sochi Winter Olympics finished recently (the Paralympics kick off this week) but in the run up there were a lot of fears about the safety of the games, with terrorist attacks and the usual problems of having a high profile event coming into effect. It was debated in the media and it’s the type of situation where you need experts to come in and discuss it. You know the type- ex-military types, or security officials from previous games.

But Russia Today clearly decided they needed something more. They needed someone with real experience, a man who’s taken on the mob, terrorists and saved the lives of a battleship’s crew. What a guy, right? The problem is that these weren’t one guy. They were several guys, all fictional, with one linking factor. They were all played by the same ponytailed ass kicker.

Yes, I’m talking about the man, the legend, Steven Seagal.

Calm down everyone, Russia's gonna be alright!

Calm down everyone, Russia’s gonna be alright!

Russia Today went right to the big guns for advice on how to keep the games safe.

Subtitle fail


ngb subtitle

What’s in a name?

I always feel bad for people with daft or unusual names. At best you’re gonna waste time telling people how they’re spelt, or else face open ridicule because your parents didn’t think it through.

I don’t go in for governments telling people how to live but I’ve always felt that there should be naming office and when particularly moronic names come up they get to veto it. “You want to call your kid ‘Pineapple’? Yeah, his name’s gonna be Jeff”.

So I was kinda pleased that down Mexico way they have a rule that “prohibits giving children names that are derogatory or that don’t have any meaning and that can lead to bullying,”.

That quote comes from the Civil Registry director in Sonora, Cristina Ramirez. Already failing to get by are Rambo, Facebook and Lady Di, the last kid in particular dodged a bullet there.

I’m all for it. I mean, you might think it’s cute, but your kid’s gonna have to deal with it their whole life.


Younger readers might not know this, but we used to have these things called VHS cassettes which had movies on. And not only that we had shops that would rent you a movie for a night or two. Kind of like a library.

Like a library they had fines if you were late getting them back. Which is fair enough. I once went overdue on Anaconda and had to pay an extra £2, it was worth it though because I love that movie.

I think it was the one time I was late taking it back and once the fine was paid it was done and dusted.

But what if you went overdue by a long time.

And lived in a country as daft as the USA.

Well, you could wind up like Kayla Finley, of South Carolina, who went to a sheriff’s office to report a crime only to be told she was a wanted woman. The reason why there was a warrant out on her? She hadn’t taken a video back 9 years ago.

Ouch, that’s gonna be a hefty fine.

Finley was understandably miffed about the whole thing, especially as she was jailed overnight. She’s due in court and aims to fight the case.

Adding salt to the wound is the fact that her undoing might be down to Monster in Law, a painful failure to make a comedy and a black mark on the careers of it’s leads Jane Fonda and Jennifer Lopez.

ngb monster in law

Hopefully the matter resolves itself easily, and Finley just has to pay a minor fine. I can’t see them asking for too much because, well, it’s not like they’d have got much demand for a VHS copy of this movie in recent years.

Any thoughts? You know what to do. BETEO.

Soda Stream > Oxfam?

At Wrestlemania X8, Hulk Hogan took on the Rock. I didn’t see the match until several years later but watching it I found myself in a bit of a dilemma, did I cheer for the Rock, the most electrifying man in sports entertainment and the face (goodie) in the match? But could I really turn my back on my childhood idol the Hulkster?

rock hogan

In the end I wound up cheering on the Rock because I knew a defeat was what Hogan to come to his senses and use the 24 inch pythons for good.

So, as you can see, I have extensive experience of conflicts of interest so I understand the tough position Scarlett Johansson recently found herself in.

Johansson has served as a celebrity ambassador for the charity Oxfam since 2007, and it’s clearly a cause that the Hollywood star cares about a lot, but she’s recently had to step down from the role due to a conflict of interests.

Scarlett recently became the face for Soda Stream, which is a bit of a weird one as I’ve always seen it as a slightly naff item and it’s become a sort of punchline, so an A-lister like Johansson advertising it feels a little incongruous.

scarlett sodastream

Anyway, Oxfam decided her endorsement deal with the brand was problematic due to their opposition to the company because they operate within the Israeli occupied territories of Palestine. Personally I’m with Oxfam on this because quite frankly the fact the international communities failure to act on the Israel taking this land is disgusting.

So Johansson was in an awkward position and had to step down.

I mean, she’d probably already been paid by Soda Stream and so the deal was done. And she may have been unaware of Oxfam’s objections, but I kinda think for Oxfam they can come out of this pretty well. It’ll get people talking and highlight the issue of the occupation and perhaps open up debate.

For Johansson, it’s not such a good thing, it looks like she chose a gizmo that puts bubbles in your drink over an international charity, which isn’t a good thing. I mean, she could donate her fee to Oxfam, I suppose, which would save face.

More here.

Any thoughts? You know what to do. BETEO.

This s**t is bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S

Getting your five a day of fruit and vegetables is pretty important, but sometimes with a hectic life or poor planning can leave you falling short.

Once you’ve heard the five-a-day recommendation you do keep it in mind, and sometimes when I’m on four or three I’ll go out of my way to drink juice or something. If I’ve got them in the cupboard or got cash on me, sometimes you just have to admit defeat.

5 a day

But it seems as though one American citizen of Connecticut may have been overly committed to hitting his target.

At least that’s the only explanation for a rather bizarre crime story I came across today.

It breaks down like this, a burglar alarm at  a petrol station, the cops arrive to find it all banged up and review the security cameras. What they find is a 4×4 smashing into the store before the driver hops out, eats a banana and leaves.

That’s it.

He doesn’t touch anything else in the store, just eats a banana and drives off. Getting his mug right on the camera during the process.

Caught in the act

Caught in the act

It seems like a pretty dumb crime to commit, and coupled with the lack of a mask suggests that not all this guy’s dogs are barking.

In the history of stupid criminals, this one is right up there, mainly due to the extremely trivial nature of the crime.

More info here.

Any thoughts? You know what to do. BETEO.


Recently I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!, the annual parade of has beens and D-listers being tormented for the public’s amusement. It’s trash telly at it’s very worst, or best depending on your viewpoint.


Personally I’ve only ever watched little bits of it before, but as some of my flatmates wanted to watch it I’ve tuned into it a couple of times.

The lineup follows the traditional rules for the show, with the contestants filling familiar roles:

  • The American- Usually famous over here for one role, this year it’s Alfonso Ribeiro aka Carlton from the Fresh Prince. Was a tad too enthusiastic to begin with, but seemed to be doing his best to be polite and chipper, but I suspect we may see a diva-ish melt dow. Prediction: Early exit.
  • The Bikini Girl- Miss GB, Amy Willerton, fits the role perfectly as the one who’ll spend ages showering in a bikini and get splashed all over the tabloids. She also fulfills the role of “Do they really count as a celebrity?” Prediction: There until the closing stages, barring a meltdown during a task or spurning Joey’s advances.

imaceleb amy

  • The Idiot- Also serving as “The one who’s already been on a reality show”, it’s The Only Way is Essex star Joey Essex. So far he seems lovably daft and excitable, and him being taught to tell time at the age of 23 and his glee at getting it right was rather endearing. Prediction: Top 3 finish.
  • The Posh One Who’s Out of His Depth- Also barely a celeb, David Emmanuel is most known for designing Princess Diana’s wedding dress. He seems to not really know what he’s in for, but I quite like his kinda old school, upper crust luvvie character. Prediction: Will do well, unless his temper frays early.
  • The Normal One- Olympic swimmer Rebecca Adlington, she seems the most down to earth and least glitzy. Prediction: Final 3 and my shout for winner.
  • The Boring One- Former snooker champion Steve Davis is often seen as being extremely dull, and he’s done little to shatter that perception yet. Getting on okay with everyone so far. Prediction: Will coast for a while in the background, but will be gone long before the final.
  • The Mother- The older female characters can either be whingers or comedy gold, and so far Eastenders actress Laila Morse has been good value. She’s had a few little bitchy comments and looks like she doesn’t suffer fools, I predict she’ll be quite a handful when fights start but surprising soft when dealing with unhappy campers. Prediction: Leaving just before the final 3.
  • The Soap Star- I never understand why they have soap stars, because they’re usually not famous themselves, just purely for the character they play, as is the case of Lucy Pargeter, who plays trashy but oddly attractive barmaid Chas in Emmerdale. She seems fairly down to earth and I think she might turn out to be quite bolshy and funny. Prediction: Gone somewhere in the middle.
  • The Popstar- Ex-Westlife member Kian Egan is the singer in camp, and probably hoping for a comeback off the back of this. He seems alright so far if a bit of a non-entity. Hopefully he’ll surprise and not be as bland as he initially appears. Prediction: Will slip into the last 3 but not be a genuine challenger.

The other contestant is journalist and TV presenter Matthew Wright, who before the show started I suspected might be a likely winner, but having cried and whinged in the early stages I can’t see him pulling off more than an early departure. Which is a shame as he always seemed like a decent enough bloke on his TV show, needs to find his back bone or at least start being funny.

I’ll probably get bored early on, and lose interest, but it’s quite a fun way to waste an evening after lectures and assignments when you just need to switch off with some trash.

The reason I’m writing about it today is because yesterday in a newsagents I saw one of the stupidest non-news stories yet.

Under the sensational “Curse of the Jungle” headline borderline newspaper The Daily Star detailed that the celebs are terrified because their campsite is apparently subject to an Aboriginal curse or an “evil spell”.

Yeah, in 2013, a national newspaper is saying that the native population have placed a curse on the land. It sounds like something which would have been toe-curlingly backwards even 50 years ago, portraying the Aboriginal community as a bunch of cartoonish Tintin characters using black magic.

They’ve actually got “a local elder” to join in with the story, with Gerry Bostock stating “the spirits will not like people trampling over it, especially if they have negative energy.”

Way to make your people look like caricatures, Gerry.

Now call me cynical, but if the spirits really had powers and could tell people to, as Gerry puts it, “piss off” I’d have thought they would have started a little earlier on. Y’know, when the white settlers were treating their descendants abysmally, not when Joey Essex ate a scorpion. It just seems that second string celebs trying to stay in the line up is an odd place to draw your line in the sand and crawl from the grave to start some s**t.

Any thoughts? You know what to do. BETEO.