Annoyed (5)

The other day I was seriously annoyed at work. In the morning I’d caught the bus in and grabbed a copy of the Metro thinking that the Rush Hour Crush, sudokus and crossword would help pass the time. 

It tends to be quite quiet at the start of the shift so I settled in with a cup of tea and started the crossword, having secured one of the few pens that were floating around. 

A few clues in I had to go do something, and set my paper down. A few minutes later having done whatever it was I returned and my paper was gone. I had a quick look about and it was nowhere to be seen. Not in the staff room, not in the office, not moved to somewhere else.
I was tamping.

The worst part was I knew I couldn’t go around raising a fuss because (a) I’ve been there a fortnight, so still need to hide my true self from my co-workers and (b) it’s the Metro I hadn’t bought it. I’d picked it up on the bus, and the whole way the paper makes it’s cash is that it gets picked up and passed on. You see a copy lying around and unless it’s right next to someone it’s fair game.

But still! It had a half done crossword in! Clearly I wasn’t done with it. For the rest of the day I was keeping a vague eye out for it but no joy.

It was seriously infuriating because it deprived me of entertainment and the satisfaction of completing it.

This is the kind of unfinished business which means had I died Thursday my ghost would have haunted work until it could finish the crossword and gain peace.

I was denied my triumph, my well earned joy at a puzzle solved. It’s not often I find myself feeling like Sherlock Holmes, especially since I gave up the morphine,  but when I’ve started working something out I get a little bit obsessed and want to see it through.

Being deprived of this choice was not a good conclusion and left me deeply unsatisfied, in the same way if someone had stolen the dancing men before Holmes had worked out what they meant.

It also left me annoyed with my new co-workers, all of whom I now viewed with suspicion, unable to confirm which one had stolen my paper.

What kind of place have I started to work in? What kind of monsters am I working with, who throws out someone’s incomplete puzzle, it’s just not cricket.
Oh, and the answer to the title clue? “Cross”.

Any thoughts? You know what to do. BETEO. 

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Stop Sticking Giant Bows on Babies

The bow is too big. If you changed the scale no adult would wear a bow that big. Not by choice. Look at this poor model, look how unhappy she looks because of that stupid bow that some designer thought was a good idea. She knows it looks ridiculous.

But despite this I see them all the time. Babies forced to wear gigantic bows because of their mother’s insecurity and fear someone will misgender their daughter.

You’ve probably seen them too. A baby with a giant bow. The only purpose to say “This is a baby GIRL! Don’t you even dare think about saying that she’s a ‘handsome little fella'”

Is it really that annoying? Most babies kinda look alike, bald and with big eyes. Cute but dress ten babies in white and I bet the successful gender guess rate would be quite low. 

If someone does make a mistake just correct them and go on with your day. It’s no big deal. Just be glad they didn’t say something like “why the hell have you got a dog in your pram? And what the hell happened to it?”

People want to say something nice about your baby and if they’re not sure they’ll guess if it’s a boy or a girl, and they might be wrong but they know that they can’t just call the little nipper “it” as that’s just plain rude.
Just accept the compliment, politely inform them that he is a she, or vice versa and everything is sorted. Don’t dress your girl like a damn birthday present!

The old fashioned “pink for girls, blue for boys” is silly enough, but the bow trend is frankly ridiculous.

It’s silly to get worked up over. So what if a stranger thinks Glenda is Glen? Does it effect them at all? Didn’t think so.

I find it weird there’s no male equivalent. Or are that what those knitted beard hats are for?

Not gonna lie. That is cuter than a whole box of buttons.

Any thoughts? You know what to do. BETEO.


Nobody would be that rude. Not even an American!

MWF rewatched Bridget Jones’s Diary today and I’ve resigned myself that later this year I will be seeing the third movie at the cinema. To be honest, as a romcom fan I’m not that bothered, although frankly it tries my patience- two films getting us to root for Bridge and Mark and then you split them up? Not cool.

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It also stars Patrick Dempsey who, Enchanted aside, is pretty dull on screen.

The first film is quite fun, with some good lines and some almost painfully cringe moments from Renee Zellwegger’s heroine. But there’s one scene that bugs me.

Halfway through Bridget drops in to see her boyfriend Daniel (Hugh Grant, revelling in throwing off his bumbling nice guy schtick) and suspects he’s cheating. She storms to the bedroom, which is empty and leaves but as she does spies a woman’s coat hanging up.

She storms back upstairs to the en suite and there, perched on the edge of the bath is Lana (Lisa Barbuscia), who is clearly designed to be everywoman Bridget’s nightmare – slim and leggy.

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Okay, so far, I’m with them. Then Lana turns to Daniel and delivers one of the least believable lines in movie history;

I thought you said she was thin?

I’m sorry, you what?

Nobody is that much of a bellend. You’ve just been caught naked in their boyfriend’s bathroom and you decide that’s the time to throw a cheap jibe about weight? Even if you felt no remorse you’d keep quiet, wouldn’t you? Maybe give a “what you gonna do?” shrug. But insult her to her face? It just wouldn’t happen.

It’s a tiny moment but every time I watch the movie it bugs me. One stupid line and I’m out of the movie, disbelief is shattered and I’m thinking that the writers could have taken another run at the scene.

I can’t think of another movie where a single line has popped the bubble so badly for me.

Any thoughts? You know what to do. BETEO.


Atheists, calm the hell down!

A while ago I liked a post on Instagram, I think it was this one:

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I thought it was a good point and left it at that.

The problem is that now in my “suggested for you” gallery there’s a host of atheist and “anti-theist” posts. And they are really grinding my gears.

I’d say I’m agnostic, leaning to atheist, but these guys do my head in. This is for a couple of reasons.

Firstly, a lot of the stuff they post is just not funny and rather nasty. A regular theme is snarky comments about Christians on Facebook posting stuff. They don’t like people shoving their beliefs in their face, these atheists, as they make IG accounts about their beliefs.

I get that you don’t believe in a god, that’s cool man, each to their own. But if you expect people to respect your beliefs then you gotta respect other people’s and stop being a d**k about it.

Or do they think one meme will do it?

That believers will see a snarky caption and think, “How could I have been so blind? This picture has totally blown apart a lifelong faith!”

The second reason is the smug, patronising attitude, as though atheism in itself means intelligence. The flip of this is that anyone with faith must be a moron.

That thinking is utter rubbish.

There are plenty of smart believers, hell, some of the smartest people I know have faith. There are also idiots who don’t think God is real.

Religious belief operates on a different system, its emotional and that’s distinct from intelligence. Atheists who dismiss all with faith as morons are blind to this and too busy patting themselves on the back to think about it.

The smugness also means when they do something stupid it appears all the more foolish.

For example, one regular theme is that Adam and Eve had belly buttons (or that Adam had nipples) which doesn’t make sense if they were made from the earth and a spare rib (mmm, spare ribs).

The argument they use is always a painting of Adam and Eve, sometimes with a caption, like so;

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Some of you may have seen the mistake already.

See, that’s a painting. An artistic representation of Adam and Eve, probably made in the second millennium AD. The artist has drawn what he thought they looked like. Hence belly buttons.

This picture proves one thing- the artist made a mistake or didn’t get why we have belly buttons. No believer is gonna think “Oh, wow, this painting has belly buttons, everything was a lie!”

The belly button argument would only work if it was a photograph. A drawing is very rarely proof, for example I doubt any of us think Bill Clinton and Ronald McDonald went to war.

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I don’t think believers are idiots when I see this idea, I think the poster is. They actually think this is a valid way to argue. Do they use this guy as proof of alien life?

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I get that some atheists are passionate about their lack of belief in a higher power, but its weird to bang on about how you don’t think something is real. Also, if you are going to post why not try to avoid the ignorant, rude and intrusive theists you dislike so much? Because at the moment the message might be different, but the manner is the same.

I just think that whatever you believe or don’t believe you shouldn’t attack those who differ from you. Just focus on your life and leave people to get on with theirs.

Any thoughts? You know what to do. BETEO.


15 Minute Blog: Psycho Seagull

Current mood?

Tamping.

Fuming.

Raging.

I’m currently sat down waiting for MWF (as a taken man 60% of my life is waiting) as I wait I sip a pink lemonade Lucozade to sate my thirst. My hunger, however, is not satisfied.

This is despite me spending £2.99 at Starbucks.

Urgh, tax dodging Starbucks.

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I’m more of a Costa man, but needs must. I’d got a breakfast roll. Having worked 8 hours this morning it was something I was looking forward to.

Sausage and egg and bacon, oh my!

I got two bites.

Two measly bites!

Why? I hear you ask (think the title may have tipped them off- Editor Chris)

Because I fell victim to a “psycho seagull”.

After a summer of rubbishing the tabloid hyperbole and “psycho gull” craze I actually got attacked by one.

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Quality journalism

I was strolling along eating away enjoying the rare September sunshine when this feathered f**ker swooped down.

It cuffed me around the head with it’s wing and grabbed a beakful of roll.

So startled was I by this winged w**ker that I dropped the roll. Though I’m not sure eating a roll covered in gull gob would have been advisable.

The avian a**ehole then landed nearby and eyeballed me and my lost food. With no other avenue I turned the air blue with an angry rant that would make Tarantino blush. Throughout this the beaked b*****d looked at me, looking smug. Or smug for a seagull.

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Finding Nemo got it right. Seagulls are jerks.

I briefly considered throwing my bag at the…at the…dammit! I’ve ran out of bird themed alliterative curses!

Wait!

I briefly considered throwing my bag at the gobs**te gull but thought better of it. It probably would have just stolen that too.

I love nature and animals but in that moment had a gun been to hand I’d have blown that bird away faster and more coldly than Clint shooting a bandit.

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Are we going to be forced to abandon al fresco dining? Are picnics to be a thing of the past?

Are we doomed to live in fear of these aerial rats?

I hope that gull chokes on that roll.

Any thoughts? You know what to do. BETEO.


Annoying cinema idiots: I blame the parents. And the kids.

Today MWG and I went to see Jurassic World (review to follow), and while the new Premiere cinema is quite nice (reclining seats!) and the movie ticked a lot of boxes the whole experience was slightly ruined by other members of the audience.
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Before the movie started a woman entered with three young children. And I mean very young, under 7s. What the hell is she thinking? I said to  myself. Those kids are way too young for this flick. I know it’s a 12A and they have an adult with them, but exercise some common sense!
Luckily, aside from one incident where one of the nippers needed a break from the dino-carnage, not a peep was heard from them.
Of course, it might just have been drowned out by the obnoxious kids seated around me.
A group of boys aged between 10 and 13 were sitting, split in two, half in the back row over my right shoulder and three right in front of MWG and I.
I don’t want to go on a “kids today…” rant because these pint sized prats might just be exceptions, but my gods they were infuriating.
The ones in the back row were just loud. I get making the odd, hushed comment to a friend, but they were jabbering away and laughing, making stupid jokes and generally being annoying.
I shot them a glare, but was forced to actually tell them to shut up after a while. Luckily MWG went and had a word with the staff and they were dragged out for a warning, returning sheepishly and they were relatively quiet after this.
The ones in front of us, however, were insufferable brats from beginning to end. They jabbered a bit, but their major problem was the fact that they began tossing popcorn at each other, which they found hilarious.
It annoyed me immensely because (a) it was distracting (b) it was childish and their dimwitted enjoyment grated and (c) some poor cinema employee was going to have to pick up after them.
The popcorn throwing intensified near the end of the movie, and I managed to restrain myself from telling them to pack it in.
All I needed was to see was someone using their phone and I’d have won annoying audience bingo.
I thought back to my teenage cinema visits. My friends and I would make little gags to each other, but we weren’t loud enough to disturb anyone else.
And yes we occasionally left a mess, but always as a result of clumsiness, not acting like we were at a chimp’s tea party.
What the hell is wrong with people? Why would they think it was acceptable, didn’t they think about the poor schmo who has to clean up later?
Have they never been to the cinema before? Or if they have what the hell were their parents doing?
I loved going to the cinema as a kid, but my sisters and I knew the basic rules- stay seated, don’t make a mess and be quiet, because other people were trying to watch the film. All of us grasped this concept, so why do others not?
I think it boils down to parents not bothering. I went to a film once where a little boy ran around for much of the film, which was really annoying, and his parents did sod all to so sort it.
As a parent you’re responsible for teaching your kid how to behave in different situations, and the cinema is different from watching a film in your house because it’s not your house and there are other people there.
I swear when I have kids I’m bringing them up to follow the cinema code of conduct created by Mark Kermode and Simon Mayo, reprinted below.
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Yes, they’ll know how to behave and if they don’t, well, they’ll be dragged out of screenings early.
Seriously, parents teach your kids how to behave. When the act up, tell them off, because it’s not my job to tell your kids to shut the hell up half way through a film.
And kids, don’t throw popcorn in the cinema, it’s not funny, it makes more work for someone and it makes everyone think you’re an idiot who shouldn’t be going to the cinema unless Mummy’s there with you. Basically, in the cinema, like everywhere else remember these words of wisodm- don’t be a d**k.
Any thoughts? You know what to do. BETEO.


Christian Aid, please, stop bothering me

It’s Christian Aid week.
I know this because they’ve texted me about it twice.
They have my mobile number because I did one of their text donation campaigns. You know the ones, you text a specific word and it deducts a fiver from your credit.
It’s a good idea, because it’s a simple, quick way to donate to charity. For someone like me its a good thing because I’ve already paid for my phone credit, and with free texts that £5 isn’t really going to be missed. Better it goes to a good cause rather than I waste it listening to voicemails telling me I’m owed PPI or money for my recent accident, which must have involved a blow to my head as I have no recollection of it.
Anyway, I have no problem sending them money. My policy on charity is simple- I might be poor but there’s plenty of folks who are worse off, so when I have some spare cash I’ll give them to a chugger or drop them in a pot.
So with text campaigns I’ll text when I can afford it.
Which is why Christian Aid texting me is annoying me. I get they need to chase donations to keep doing their good works, but seriously, guys, back the hell off.
People donate when they can, and what they can. CA knows of me because I’ve already donated, as have plenty of others. I just don’t think it’s cool for them to go after people for more, making them feel bad or like they haven’t done enough.
CA should consider that maybe people can’t give more that that £5. That they want to help, but can’t afford more than that.
CA and other tragedies should gratefully accept what people can give and avoid this direct approach, which just feels a bit too full on. I don’t mind seeing ads or posters, but coming straight to my inbox is not on.
Charities need to respect boundaries and consider who they might be messaging, they could be making people feel bad or guilting them into giving more than they can comfortably afford to give.
At the very least they could make their begging texts funny or clever, not just route one “send us £5” style messages.
Any thoughts? You know what to do. BETEO.


Shrapnel

£12.17!
Twelve pound seventeen?!
For this I schlepped all the way to Tesco, soaked my feet and got splashed by a passing car?
A while ago I added a money tin to my Amazon wish list. You know the deal, it’s like a regular food tin that you have to use a tin opener for. The idea is that you keep saving until its full, so you don’t just constantly raid your change reserves.
I’ve had mine for over a year now and everytime I had coppers or 5ps I’d toss them in. Every so often I’d give it a little shake or lift to see how full it felt, imagining what I’d do with all the cash I’d saved up.
This week with it almost full and my money getting low I thought I’d cash in. I broke into it, dumped it into a carrier bag and headed out into the rain to use the Coinstar machine.
I felt sure that I was looking at a decent payout, maybe around the thirty quid mark. Enough to treat myself to some comics, or maybe a trip to see Mad Max: Fury Road, or a Dominos for MWG and me. Whatever I daydreamed about strolling out with a wad of cash.
It was disappointing then that as the last few coins clunked down that the display showed that I only had a little over £12 to show for a year of coin hording.
It’d be like if they priced up Smaug’s trove and it worked out to be a couple of hundred quid.
£12 to spend is better than a bunch of coins you can’t use, but still, I’m now kinda annoyed that I hadn’t thrown in a few 10ps along the way, or waited until it was completely full.
I took £2 of my savings to Costa for a latte and then wandered home, wet, disappointed and a lot poorer than I’d hoped.
This is the annoying thing about change, it weighs a ton and then works out to be a pathetically small amount.
Gods, reading this back could it be any more of a First World Problem? Woe is me, I only have just over a tenner.
I don’t think I’d be that bothered if the weather was nice today or if I hadn’t hyped it up in my head.
Overthinking, see, never a good thing to do.
Any thoughts? You know what to do. BETEO.


World Cup Whining

In a couple of days time the Brazil 2014 world cup will get under way and, as is customary, this means that every ad break is awash with footballers whoring for different companies- chocolate bars, beer, razors, crisps, I’ve seen all of them advertised so far.

I can appreciate that for non-football fans this must be a bit of a pain. I love football, but I’m already sick of seeing Joe Hart trying to sell me stuff. Incidentally, kudos to the bright spark who thought it would be a good idea to make an advert featuring the England goalkeeper failing to save a penalty just before a major tournament.

Joe Hart, sell out

Joe Hart, sell out

But at the same time, as sick as I am of the tournament’s ubiquity, there is one thing that bothers me even more: People whining about the World Cup and the coverage.

Yes, there is a lot of coverage and analysis of the tournament. The reason for this is that it’s kind of a big deal.

Kind of a big deal

Kind of a big deal

Football is the most global team sport, and the World Cup is testimony to this. Thirty-two nations from every continent (bar Antarctica) will compete over the next month and billions will tune in worldwide.

I’m Welsh, and so have no real emotional link to this year’s tournament, or any year’s tournament really, but I still plan to watch as many games as I can. Olympics aside, the World Cup is the best sporting event.

Heroes and villains are created. There’s drama and controversy, talent and luck collide and even the neutral fan gets caught up in it all.

If you don’t like football, I feel bad for you (son), but here’s a simple fact folks need to remember: Not everything is made for you.

There’s rampant speculation over who killed Lucy in Eastenders.

I don’t care.

There’s gossip from the Big Brother house.

Don’t care.

A couple of years back Wills and Kate got hitched. It was everywhere- papers, internet, TV. I’m indifferent on the subject of the royals, apart from wanting a pint with Harry and a date with Beatrice, so I just skipped articles about it and decided not to watch it. In the end I did wind up catching some of it on TV. Did I complain? Did I make a song of dance about the fact something millions are interested in doesn’t really appeal to me?

No, I just checked out Pippa Middleton and left.

Oh, Pippa!

Oh, Pippa!

You’re never going to like everything on TV, and stuff that enthralls millions may leave you cold. Deal with it, you probably love something someone else can’t see the point in.

But you have options- watch one of the other hundred channels, read a book, go outside.

Nobody is forcing you to watch the football, so please don’t whine about it. It doesn’t help your situation and its something other people enjoy, don’t spoil it for them.

And as for ads pissing you off, ignore them! There are plenty of ads that hold zero interest to me (make up, perfume, car insurance, home insurance, donkey charities), so I just tune them out. Well, apart from the truly objectionable ones (like these).

Any thoughts? You know what to do. BETEO.


If you need an easy way to remember it, just think of a bag of crap

I’m home for Easter at the moment, which is pretty cool- better shower, comfier sofa, better food. It’s been cool to destress and relax a bit, and to chill out at home with the family.

This involves going for walks, as my parents do this a lot. I kinda dig it, I’ll often walk around Roath Lake anyway, so I seem to have inherited it, although maybe not the obsessive bird watching.

Today we were going for a walk and I saw something that really pissed me off.

I really want a dog. My family had one years ago, but it seemed to be half Jack Russell, half hellhound so we had to rehome it where there were no kids.

This kinda put off the rest of the clan, who are mainly cat people but me, I’d love a dog. Preferably something kinda small and ugly.

Miniature English Bulldogs Picture

Dogs are a lot more fun than cats, you can play with them, walk them and they react to you with open affection not mild irritation. Take Paranormal Activity 2– that dog is always trying to warn them that shit ain’t right in the house, a cat? He’d just leg it down the road to whoever else is willing to feed him.

The one downside of the whole dog owning scenario is having to pick up after them.

Picking up your mutt’s business in a plastic bag would probably have you rethinking who the boss is. But faced with a hefty fine the momentary ickiness of feeling warm ex-chum through plastic is probably preferable.

Then of course you have to carry it until the next red bin you pass, but that’s a minor inconvenience.

Or so I thought, but on our walk today I started to realize that for some dog-owners this is too much of a hassle and saw about five bags tied to branches of trees.

Before I get to the rudeness aspect, can I just ask what’s the bloody point? If you’re not going to dispose of it in a bin why even bother bagging it up? You may as well leave it on the ground!

At least on the ground it’ll eventually biodegrade, but sealed in a plastic bag hanging from a tree? That’s going nowhere, sunshine.

Plus, you’ve made the effort of bagging it up. That’s the hard part!  Come on, guys, just carry it a couple of hundred yards.

It takes more effort to find a tree and hang it up.

I get the feeling that sometimes they bag it up because someone else is around and they don’t want to get judged/done for leaving the doggy do on the floor. Then as soon as they’re on their own, up it goes into the branches. They’re only doing the right thing because of the fear of being caught, which isn’t why you do it. You do it because you own the dog and it’s your responsibility. Pick it up, throw it in the bin so that nobody’s day is ruined by stepping in it (I know it won’t be stood on in the tree, but it’s still gross as hell), and it’s dealt with properly.

Tying it up in a tree is just bad form and extremely dumb. Come on, dog owners, don’t be dicks.

Any thoughts? You know what to do. BETEO.