Would You Rather? Part 6: Spam, Porridge and Glass Houses

…would you rather go to jail for 4 years for something you didn’t do or get away with something horrible but spend the rest of your life in fear of being caught?

This is a pretty tough one, because I have no desire to go to prison. I don’t think it’s the kind of situation I would thrive in. That being said four years isn’t that long, relatively speaking and compared to spending the rest of my life feeling (a) guilty for my horrible crime and (b) constantly afraid, would be far more stressful.

So, strangely I think I would have to go with the prison for a crime I didn’t commit. At least I’d have something in common with the A-Team then.


…be transported 500 years into the past or the future?

This is a pretty tricky one. While 1517 would be grim as hell, at least you kinda know what you’re getting and you’d be more advanced than them, knowledge wise. I mean, sure that might lead them to burning you as a witch or something, but it beats the alternative.

Who knows what kind of almighty mess 2517 is going to be? And you’d be 500 years behind them, they’d view you as some sort of backwards fool. Nope, in this case, I’d go back.

…be free from junk mail or be free from spam?

Spam. Junk mail is a pain, obviously, but it’s less frequent, I get junk mail once, twice a month at most, but spam is a daily thing. Also, as far as I know, junk mail can’t install a virus in your house or drain your bank accounts.

…live in a house with see through walls in the middle of a city or the same house but in the forests far away?

Obviously in the forest. Sure, you’d be miles away from everywhere, but the chances of getting looked at are less. I’m guessing the question means all the walls are see through, so there would be no privacy anywhere.

I’d rather not live my whole life like some kind of strange art exhibit, and that’s before we even get into the territory of the bathroom and the bedroom. Nope, I’d rather not shower in front of a whole city, thank you.

…wake up every morning to find a random animal appendage has replaced your non dominant arm or swap your bottom half permanently for an animal of your choosing?

This is brilliantly bizarre.

While the animal appendages might be quite interesting and a good talking point, some of them would probably be massively useless/inconvenient. So, I’m probably looking at going half animal. I think a centaur would be too impractical and take up too much room.

So, maybe a faun? With goat legs? Or maybe kangaroo legs, because then I could get some impressive jumps in. Although it might make me look like second string Spidey villain the Kangaroo.


….spend the rest of your life with a sailboat as your home or an RV as your home?

RV. It’s just more practical isn’t it? You can go more places, with a sailboat you’re stuck on the coast all the time.

…be unable to move when it rains or unable to stop moving when the sun shines?

I think the obvious one is be unable to stop moving when it’s sunny. Isn’t it?

I mean, paralysis whenever it rains seems more of an inconvenience, especially as I live in Wales where it rains a lot of the time. Also, at least some kind of weird, twitchy dance movement would be embarrassing, but imagine freezing up in the middle of town when a shower starts.


Any thoughts? You know what to do. BETEO.


Would You Rather? Part 1: Missing fingers and seeing the future

So, I recently found this list of “Would You Rather?” questions and thought they might be quite good to do as blog posts. It’ll give me something to write when I’m blocked and I figure I can run them as a regular feature on the blog. If you agree or disagree with my decisions or arguments then feel free to comment down at the bottom. Let’s dive in (decided to shuffle through randomly apart from first three):

Would you rather always be 10 minutes late or 20 minutes early?

Initially I was going to say I’d rather be late because getting there early is a drag and sitting around waiting for someone always makes me feel awkward. But then I thought being ten minutes late would actually be more frustrating, you’d miss the start of things and more importantly always piss your mates off. So I’d go for always being early, and just make sure I took a book or had my phone charged.


I bet everyone got fed up of this guy

Would you rather lose all your money and valuables or all of the photos you’ve ever taken?

Call me mercenary, but I’d rather lose all the photos I’ve ever taken. I’d be able to take more photos. Thankfully I’m at a stage where I can still remember all the good times I’d want photos of, and I think it would be easier to live without them than all the cash I have.

Would you rather be able to see 10 minutes into your future or 10 minutes into the future of anyone but yourself?

I’m not entirely sure on this one, because seeing ten minutes ahead for you would be interesting but would rob you of any surprises. Ten minutes into someone else’s future might actually be cooler and more interesting. I think if you could swap who you saw that would be awesome, because you could be ahead of the curve on everything.

I’d also be able to be a great reporter as I’d always update quickly.

Would you rather be an average person today or a king 2500 years ago?

I can definitely see the appeal of being a king.


It’s good to be the King

But I imagine that life 2500 years ago would be kinda dull even as a royal. No novels? No pop music? Lower life expectancy? Superstition running wild? Nah, I think I’ll stay an average Joe today.

Would you rather have no fingers or no elbows?

My first instinct was to get rid of my elbows, but then I realised how awkward it would be to walk around with constantly straight arms. It would make life so much harder and would mean I couldn’t do things like hug MWF or hold my kids in the future. So, I guess I’d have to get rid of my fingers. I just think there’s more in place to help with that than to assist an elbowless man.

Would you rather get tipsy from one sip of alcohol and ridiculously drunk from just one alcoholic drink or never get drunk regardless of how much you drink?

Tipsy off one sip would be pretty cool. I mean, it’d be easier to avoid getting absolutely hammered, as you would just not drink past a sip or two, and you’d save money to reach the fun drunk stage.

Never getting drunk would be annoying, you’d go on a night out and just be sober until the end. As someone who needs a bit of a buzz to really cut loose on the dance floor it would mean I’d never dance again, which while no loss to the world of dance would be a bummer as I quite like a boogie.

Would you rather always be able to see 5 minutes into the future or always be able to see 100 years into the future?

If it was a one time thing I would pick the 100 years option because it’d be quite cool to see where we are in a century’s time, but if it’s something I do a lot then I think the five minutes is more useful. I mean, it’d be great for gambling purposes but also be rather handy for other stuff, like fighting crime. I’m assuming I see five minutes ahead but can impact or react to it. Seeing what is going to happen with no control would just be a pain.

But how creepy would it be to look five minutes into the future and just see nothing?

Would you rather randomly time travel =/- 20 years everytime you fart or teleport to a different place on Earth (on land, not middle of ocean) whenever you sneeze?

I’m assuming you come back, right? Like fart one is forward twenty and then the second fart brings you back? And the same principle for the sneezes, right? For the purpose of this question I’m using that as the rule.

I would go for the farting one. For starters, I sneeze more often than I fart so it’s less of an inconvenience, and I also seem to sneeze when I get out of the shower, so I’d wind up just turning up at different places naked and confused. Also, I could jump into a very dangerous situation, like a less fun version of Quantum Leap.

And while that idea might seem funny to you, and might produce hilarious consequences I feel it would more likely create embarrassing and potentially legally hazardous ones.

Top 5 Worst Places to Just Appear Naked:

  1. A school, I don’t want to be on a register or scare/traumatise some kids.
  2. One of those strict countries where I’d probably get lashes/prison unless I could sneeze again.
  3. Middle of the pitch during a major sporting event, in front of thousands in attendance and millions, and millions, watching at home.
  4. Inside Buckingham Palace or the White House, as might get shot by security forces.
  5. Porn set. I can live without having to compare myself physically to a porn star in person.

Would you rather spend two years with your soulmate only to have them die and you never love again or spend your life with someone nice you settled for?

First of all, I don’t believe in soulmates. The whole idea seems daft to me, I think you’re a full person on your own and don’t need someone to complete you.

Also, I would rather have a long life with someone nice than two years and then loneliness until death. So, yeah, I’d pick the “settle” option, although the phrasing is a little harsh. I think knowing they were going to kick the bucket after two years would actually be even worse.


Any thoughts? You know what to do. BETEO.


Building a time machine so I can go slap Past Me

A man who views the world the same at fifty as he did at twenty has wasted thirty years of his life.
               – Muhammad Ali

I both hate and love Facebook’s “On This Day” feature, mainly because how it makes me feel about my past self. At it’s best it can remind me of good times I’ve had, places I went and things I did. At it’s worst it can make me realise that Past Chris was kind of an idiot.

Luckily I haven’t found anything too bad, although there are a few statuses which have prompted some cringes of embarrassment. Either because they show how dull my life was (I doubt people cared that I was watching daytime TV) or because they are laddish or stupid.

We don’t really think about ourselves changing, because it happens gradually over time, but this is like being confronted with how you used to be. At the time I don’t remember thinking I was being a bellend, but reading them back that’s the word that springs to mind.

Worst are some of the answers I gave on quizzes I used to do. I think I had this idea that being blunt and honest about sex and stuff was mature but it just comes across as crass and there are a few which have me despairing for Past Chris.


Picard listening to his early Captain's logs.

Take my 2008 answer to the question of whether there was someone of the other gender on my mind:

Vaguely, I was just thinking about a friend of mine because she’d posted some new photos to a group which are cleavagetastic

Oh. My. God.

I sound like an utter arse. I mean firstly, why share that much? Especially as my friend, whoever she was,would probably guess it was about her and might not like the idea of a friend perving on her. Also “cleavagetastic”?!?! What the hell was I thinking. I just wish I could apologise to the girl for what is quite a sleazy response.


It gets worse. Also from 2008 I was asked “if you could cheat on a loved one and there was no chance of getting caught would you do it?”. My answer seems so alien to me now:

If the person was hot, and I couldn’t get caught, then sure.

What makes it worse is that when I wrote this I was in a relationship! I can only imagine how thrilled my the girlfriend was when she saw that.

I suspect that if 2016 Chris met 2008 Chris he wouldn’t like him that much, and be a bit disappointed in himself.


I've come back because I've been rereading our old updates. And we were being an arse. Sort it out, dude.

I’ve only been on FB since 2007, so none of the things I’ve seen are a decade old and even they seem an age ago. I think despite having joined as an adult I’ve definitely grown up a lot since then, and now I can’t recognise some things about the person I was. My views on things have changed, what I say and how I say them is different and I definitely think I’m more mature now.

I wonder what the 2008 version if me was thinking when he typed these answers, how he thought these answers were okay. Whether he considered how some of the stuff he wrote might effect others?

It doesn’t seem so. It seems like I was self involved and unthinking. I wonder how many people I upset with things I wrote, and am actually grateful my old blogs are gone now, because I dread to imagine what i wrote on them.

I’m far from perfect now. I make mistakes, but I try to think before I post and if I do upset someone I feel bad, but am I doing well enough? Or will 2024 Chris be sitting reading over old blogs and status updates and groaning, cursing the current me as a fool? Who knows, what I do know is that I feel glad I have changed, that I am more thoughtful and sensible, and hope that I keep moving in that direction.

I think this is why people in time travel movies are always warned not to interact with their former selves, not because of insanity or tearing away the fabric of time and space, it’s just because seeing your old safe will be an embarrassing and frustrating experience.

If anyone feels like sharing their own embarrassing social media past feel free to share in the comments, let me know I’m not alone.

Any thoughts? You know what to do. BETEO.

Movie Review: Looper

As ever I’ve done my best to avoid spoilers but its probably best if you go in knowing as little about the movie as possible.

Comparisons with The Matrix. Glowing reviews. A badass trailer. The fact Joseph Gordon-Levitt doesn’t really look like Bruce Willis.

Going into Looper I had some baggage, but it blew them all away, around the same time it blew my mind.

The premise of the flick is that in the 2070s time travel has been mastered and is used by the criminal part of society to get rid of pesky problems, providing an evidence-free way of bumping people off. So their victims get zapped back to 2044 where they’re blown away by assassins called loopers, like Joe (Gordon-Levitt).

Being a looper seems a sweet gig, they live large, partying it up and making good money, and the kills are frighteningly easy- their victims arrive bound, gagged and with heads covered and all they have to do is pull the trigger on their scatter guns. The one downside is that each looper must eventually “close the loop”, by killing their own future self, ensuring things remain tidy and there are no loose ends.

When having killed their future selves they are given a big pay day and retired, left to enjoy the next 30 years of their lives. Joe’s colleagues are closing their loops with alarming frequency and that’s the better way of proceeding, allowing your future self to leg it is not a good move, and has grim consequences.

Joe one day comes face to face with the older version of himself (Willis) who isn’t tied up and who escapes. Old Joe has enjoyed his 30 years and wants to preserve what he cares about, planning to eliminate the shadowy figure known as the Rain Maker before they can come to power and eliminate the loopers. Joe wants to bring in his older self and get his life back, while the older version is on a mission and the mob is after both of them.

Joe winds up at the home of Sara (Emily Blunt) a feisty farmer, who’s connected to Old Joe’s plan and it appears the two are headed for a showdown. But as his escape and flight changes things is old Joe at risk of losing the future he’s so determined to protect? And how far is he willing to go?

This movie is hands down the best flick I’ve seen this year. I didn’t think anything could unseat The Avengers at the top spot, but this totally blew me away and relegated Iron Man and co. to the silver medal spot. I can not overstate how impressed I was with it, and I walked away completely stunned with it, the last time a film had this kind of effect on me was when I emerged, trembling from seeing Buried.

We’ve seen time travel flicks before, but this is one of the best, up there with Willis’ own Twelve Monkeys for mind bending awesomeness. Its wonderfully realized and thought out, with some really nice touches, for example the way that the injuries sustained by a younger self will instantly change the future version, allowing Joe to communicate with Old Joe by carving a message into his own flesh.

There’s also an acceptance by the characters of how messed up things can get, one character describes how the time travel stuff can “fry your brain”, and this is particularly evident in the way that the alterations to the timeline effect the memories of the older Joe, with things becoming “fuzzy” and less clear as the likelihood of them happening. It turns out that the major danger to his future happiness might be his own actions.

Since coming out of the cinema I’ve been thinking over on it quite a bit and debating with a friend about what the film’s conclusion would do to the fictional timeline, its a wonderfully intelligent, thrilling science fiction flick.

A large part of this is down to the two phenomenal lead performances as the two different versions of Joe. They might not look that similar normally, but there’s some really subtle prosthesis work which fills out Gordon-Levitt’s jaw line and makes him more Willis-esque, but the largest contribution is from the performance. JGL has clearly done his homework and during one scene in particular where he talks to his boss Abe (Jeff Daniels), where he’s got Willis mannerisms and line delivery completely down, flashing the easy going Willis smirk and talking with the same sardonic tone. There’s also a nice touch where he notices his receding hairline in the mirror.

But its not merely an impression, as JGL is a superb actor and this adds a growing list of phenomenal performances and is one of the best actors of his generation.

Superb- Gordon-Levitt as Young Joe

Young Joe is a bit of a mess, a drug addicted, damaged and self centred killer who’s capable of cold blooded detachment but is slightly out of his depth, whereas old Joe is a total badass. After he escapes the film cuts back to the first time he faced his future self and did the deed, showing how he spent the next 30 years, transforming into a highly skilled killer and also the life he built for himself.

At the start he seems the nobler of the two, but quickly morphs into an antiheroic figure. Its a brave role for Willis to play as along the way he does some truly shocking deeds, and his criticism of his younger self as being self absorbed could easily be leveled at his own actions and willingness to cross lines to fight for what’s his.

Anti-hero- Willis as Old Joe.

Despite being the same person you quickly wind up rooting for one over the other, but both actors should be commended for always ensuring that Joe is a sympathetic character despite his flaws.

The supporting cast are on fine form, especially a strong, confident turn from Blunt as the tough cookie that young Joe winds up spending time with. Its a perfect balance of strength and frailty, she’s not a caricature of some badass chick or an over confident girl who eventually needs saving, just someone who’s had to toughen up to survive and like the male hero(es?) is willing to go to great lengths to protect what’s hers. Blunt is perfect in the role, convincing and utterly engaging from her very first appearance.

Perfect- Blunt

The shady character of the Rain Maker is handled quite well, even if its easy to see what’s coming, but its nice how the rumours that old Joe says about them slowly become reality as events unfold and also links with the whole idea of whether we’re fated to turn out a certain way or if we’re masters of our own destiny.  And the hints are dropped fairly subtly throughout to build up to the big reveal.

Another character I liked was the swaggering, wannabe cowboy hit man Kid Blue (Noah Sagan). He provides some of the film’s lighter moments and is a pitiable character, attempting to appear as a dangerous bad-man but hampered by his own bumbling stupidity and eagerness to please.

Jeff Daniels is engaging and charming as Abe, the low level mobster sent back to oversee the loopers who’s taken over the city, playing off his usual fatherly, nice guy vibe to reveal a hard, ruthless edge beneath who convinces as someone who could recruit followers.

His character’s relationship with Joe and Kid Blue is one of the film’s most interesting touches, there are repeated references to Joe of how he “put a gun in his hand” and gave him something that was his, and Kid Blue just craves his approval. Its an interesting reflection of how easily lost young men can be exploited to do terrible things. Abe has a knack for spying their vulnerability and uses this to get them aboard, promising them wealth and success. Its something we can see in the real world- the way gangs draw on the disenfranchised, financially poor young men from broken homes by providing a surrogate family and the promise of status and riches. Or the way the army will set up recruiting posts in dead end towns, or how child soldiers are lured into a life of violence so that they can stop being victims and possess some power.

Writer and director Rian Johnson, who made the weirdly engaging teen noir Brick knocks it out of the park here. The film’s pacing and tone is handled well, with the mind warping time travel stuff never stopping it from working on an emotional level too and there’s an undercurrent of brilliantly dark, brutal humour. Definitely one to watch, Johnson seems to be able to do the Christopher Nolan trick of making thoroughly entertaining and clever movies that don’t talk down to their audience.

Verdict: A thoroughly entertaining, intelligent sci-fi action flick featuring great performances. There are number of great touches and moments throughout and some shocking “Holy s**t!” moments. An instant classic. See it first chance you get. 10/10

Any thoughts? You know what to do. BETEO.

News Grab Bag 2: Time Travel, Mermaids and the Buxom Bandit

Better Things To Do With Their Time

Stephen Hawking recently hosted a party for time travelers, which, of course, he sent invites for after the party. Which was a nice touch. However, nobody came. Now, let’s skip over the whole sad image of Hawking sitting there surrounded by sausage rolls and cheese-and-pineapple-on-sticks going uneaten, and get to my thoughts on the thing.

Cheese and pineapple on sticks. Is this just a British thing? And its a pretty weird idea.

I’m no scientist, so I don’t know if time travel is even possible but lets say it is. If you can travel to any point in the history or future are you really going to waste your time to go to a party with Stephen Hawking. I can think of tons of things I’d rather do, here are my top 10.

  1. Go to the Woodstock festival.
  2. See if Helen of Troy was worth all the bother.
  3. Party at the end of WWII.
  4. Give yourself some advice.
  5. See dinosaurs.
  6. Check in and see what Jesus was really like.
  7. Slap Hitler in the face.
  8. Try and chat up Marilyn Monroe
  9. See what your parents were like as students
  10. Leave a sign that’ll be found alongside the dinosaur fossils saying “Yo, Dawkins, I am real, and your afterlife is gonna suck- Regards, God”. Just to mess with the guy’s head.

Given the choice I’d rather hang out with Hendrix than Hawkings.

Go Fish

In the US, the National Ocean Service had to issue a statement emphasizing that “No evidence of aquatic humanoids has ever been found” after some people were tricked by an overly realistic documentary about Mermaids on the Animal Planet channel over there.

Daryl Hannah- best mermaid ever.

Its a bit worrying that they had to issue a statement at all, but what I particularly like is that they still seem to be hedging their bets with the “no evidence”, which isn’t a full on denial. “No evidence” leaves the door open just in case they have to say “new evidence has emerged”.

Also, they cover themselves with the “aquatic humanoids” to stop people turning round after the mermaid thing and asking if Namor or Aquaman exist.

Aquaman definitely looked more badass with the hook and after he ditched the orange jumper.

When Boobs Go Bad

In Australia recently a new criminal emerged, she walked into a garage, walked around the back of the counter and started robbing the place. She was armed with a knife and threatened staff before making her escape.

So just another crime, why am I mentioning it?

Well, I was drawn to the story by the fact that she’s been dubbed the “Buxom Bandit”, for obvious reasons.

The Buxom Bandit

The lady in question wasn’t a criminal mastermind as she didn’t wear a mask, and only had one glove on. Look, it might make you stand out or show your love for Michael Jackson, but when you’re on the rob you’re gonna want to wear two gloves so you don’t leave any fingerprints at the scene. Which she did. Dumbass.

But despite her ineptitude and wrongdoings I can’t regard this story in a completely negative light, mainly because of the name, which sounds like the best Batman villain never made. Also there’s the demented grin she has throughout, which heightens the Bat-villain thing. Although if she was to try and outsmart the Dark Knight she’d need to raise her game quite a bit.

And also, y’know, I’m shallow and will overlook a multitude of sins for a good rack.

Jessica Ennis

Olympic athlete Jessica Ennis has recently done a shoot for Cosmopolitan ahead of the London 2012 games, which is fair enough, she’s an interesting woman and in the public eye, and in my opinion, quite a looker. Which is what a cover model should have. Ennis looks rather foxy.

Ennis as she appears in Cosmo.

But, I found myself thinking, on a personal level, I think she looks better when she’s in her athletic gear and showing off her phenomenal stomach muscles, which for me, are one of the most stunning things in the world. This is just in here because I saw the story this morning, and just made me think about how sometimes you can be attracted to them in just one setting, and outside of that they don’t retain that same allure.


Thanks to the Huffington Post, which is where I found these stories.

Any thoughts? You know what to do. BETEO.

Perfect 10

Fate provided me with this blog. I was at a loss for a subject and then found an old notebook from 2009, which included 10 topics I’d taken from  a blog called One Minute Writer. So I decided to have a crack at writing about all these 10 things, but I did cheat and give myself a bit longer than a minute to write about them.

1. Free Speech

Should there be any limits?

Hard to know where to draw a line on this. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, even a douchebag like Nick Griffin. I may disagree with him entirely, but am I in the position to silence him? When I probably say things that others disagree with or find offensive?

And also, sadly, in a way we need people like Griffin, to expose the fact that bigotry and prejudice are still commonplace today. It would be worse if we ignored this fact or didn’t know it continued, but hopefully someday this will no longer be the case and we’ll live in a world similar to the one Gene Roddenberry envisioned.

Rodenberry's Utopian vision of mankind's future.

2. Alien

An alien visitor has been watching Earth for 1 year, and now must send a short report to its home planet. What does the report say?

Call off the invasion, its not going to be worth it. The planet’s a mess and these guys can get seriously nasty in a fight. I think the only way we can hope to invade without massive losses would be to engineer a marriage between Prince Harry and Lady Gaga, as that’d distract everyone enough for us to sneak in.

The humans are extremely hard to understand, they raise up figures like Kim Kardashian, for reasons I can not fully explain.

But the humans are not without things we can learn from them. Kinder eggs, Tetris, Angry Birds and pizza, truly they have made some fantastic inventions. Also, I believe our race would benefit with the introduction of breasts. They’re endlessly appealing.

3. Name

Write the story of how you were given your name.

I’m named after my Dad’s dad, and Christopher is a family name on that side. But my Mum has revealed that she’s always liked the name, mainly because as a young woman she had a crush on Christopher Lee.

If you think that’s weird her other youthful crush was on Scott Tracy, pilot of Thunderbird one, and more importantly a puppet.

My Mum's first love.

Although, I can’t really judge as I do have an odd thing for Miss Piggy.

4. Obsession

Have you ever been obsessed with a celebrity?

I suppose the closest I’ve come to obsession with a celebrity is Sarah Michelle Gellar, back when I was in my teens, although I’m not sure if it was her or the character of Buffy I was besotted with.

She was the first girl to grace my walls and my maths book from my 3rd year is covered with hearts with “Buffy” written on.

Bizarrely, rewatching it last year, while I still really like Buffy and can’t deny she is extremely hot, I found myself more drawn to the sweeter, more awkward Willow. Allyson Hannigan is gorgeous, but I have to say its the geeky innocence that appeals to me I think.

Soon as I saw this pic I had to use it, so cute.

Its weird how our taste changes.

I think the only celeb I’ve become fascinated by in recent years is probably Lady Gaga, who I fancy but mainly just find extremely interesting. I also think she’s an extremely talented and captivating pop performer, and I’m actually writing this post as I listen to her Born This Wayalbum.

Now playing

Its not really an obsession, just lust mixed with an intense desire to sit down and talk to her, maybe over a cuppa.

5. T-Shirt

If your daily uniform was a T-shirt with a slogan that perfectly represented you, what would it say?

I’ve always thought life would be easier if we went through life like the Simpsons, where we had the same outfit over and over again in our wardrobes.

This is quite a tough one. I don’t really own any slogan shirts, well, other than one that decrees “Shut up, fool!” with a picture of Mr T on it. So what slogan would I want to represent me. Hmm, maybe one of the following:

  • Far from perfect but I’m trying
  • “Trendsetter, go getter, international jetsetter are just a few things I ain’t” (thanks to Paul Heaton)
  • Awkward.

6. Respect

What must someone do to gain your respect?

I can respect people for lots of different reasons.

It usually requires them to show some serious character or integrity. I tend to respect people who display decency and toughness. People who have endured serious problems in life without becoming self-pitying, or overcome obstacles, or just done something extraordinary.

7. Mess

Is there any part of your life that’s a mess?

Well none of my life is exactly well constructed and successful, but probably the biggest mess is my love life. In that it is non-existent.

I continue to fork out money for a dating site, my absent mindedness meaning that I miss the cancelation cut off point (not this month, tomorrow I’m cancelling it). I have little to no chance of meeting new women and when I do I’m usually either to awkward or shy to make a move, or too pissed to make a decent impression.

My only luck was 2 dates last year that finished with me being let down by text.

I’d like to sort this one out, as while I’m not a male Bridget Jones, I’d quite like to have a girlfriend. And it might get me out of the funk of spending so much time in my room playing quizzes on Sporcle and watching internet porn.

8. Future

What one minute of your future would you like to see?

I’d love to see this exact time 10 years from now just to see what I’m up to, and in the hope that I’d have improved my life a lot. And if not, I could use that as an incentive to get my arse in gear.

9. Time Travel

If you could travel back in time to any historical event, what would it be?

I’d love to go back and see the celebrations in New York or London when the Second World War ended. I think it’d just be amazing to see this massive outpouring of public joy and relief. I also imagine that it was quite a kickass party.

Grab myself a uniform and party hard

10. Torture

If someone wanted to torture you by locking you in a room with blaring music that you hated, what music would they choose?

Hands down, no doubts about it, the Black Eyed Peas.

The Black Eyed Peas- William,. Fergie and the other guys

The depths of my loathing for this group can not be calculated by our primitive human brains. Will.I.Am clearly has a skill at making catchy 30 second songs, but insists on dragging them out for 3+ minutes. He’s missed his natural calling as a ringtone composer.

As for the other members- the long haired guy and the other fella, well, that’s all I have to say about them. They seem to be friends of William’s (I am not writing his name in the daft way he does) who he allows to tag along despite them displaying no personality other than dickishness.

Last of the group is Fergie, who’s connection with this pop abomination means that it actually cancels out her attractiveness. Oddly as well, I quite like her funky solo effort “London Bridge”.

There is not a single BEP song that I would say I think is anything other than grating, repetitive dross.

Any thoughts? Or suggestions of topics for Perfect 10 part 2? You know what to do. TTFN.