In a rush so just a quick, short post today. Here’s one of my favourite jokes from Steven Wright:
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.
Any thoughts? You know what to do. BETEO
When I was at uni we discovered the game “shag, marry, kill” whereby you’re offered three women and you have to decide which one you’d do each of the following with. One of our group, Ralph, struggled with the basic guideline of the game, and would offer daft trios for example he might say-
Beyonce, Ann Widecombe and Megan Fox.
Which missed the entire point of the game. You either had three gorgeous women or three utterly unappealing women to make it a difficult choice. (Incidentally, I’d marry Beyonce and shag Megan Fox, which I’m sure is what we’d all go for).
Anyway, the same is true of “would you rather” questions, which must either offer you two brilliant options, or two awful ones. The Daily Post, however, seem to have failed to grasp this, as one of their recent topic suggestions was:
Topic #329- Would you rather have the ability to slow down time whenever you want or speed it up?
Its a no-brainer- slow down time.
Speeding up time might help kill the boredom of sitting waiting for a doctor’s appointment or if you were dragged to see some awful movie, but these are minor perks, and also, you’d still have spent that time. The 30 minutes in the doctor’s waiting room may have felt like 3 to you, but when you looked at the clock you’d still have lost half an hour of your day. Also, you’d have deprived yourself of the joys of reading awful “true life” magazine stories, people watching, and my favourite way of passing the time- “I wonder what’s wrong with them?”
Similarly lets say you had been dragged, kicking and screaming, in to watch the new Twilight movie, or New Year’s Eve, yes you’d have zipped through it in a few minutes, but you wouldn’t have gained anything by it, you’d still have paid to sit there and afterwards people would ask you about the film and you’d have nothing to say. You’d be better off just sitting through the entire flick just so in the post-movie analysis you could do a point-by-point breakdown of why its a bad movie.
But slowing down time? Now you’re talking.
I’m assuming that while everything else is slowed down you’d still be able to move at regular speed, otherwise what would be the point? And that is where the joy begins.
For starters, you’d never spill anything again, as you saw that bowl slide off the edge of the table you could slo-mo everything and run up, grabbing it before it shattered and splashed anywhere.
You’d never have to rush again, either. Need to tidy up before a parent/landlord/lady friend comes over? Boom. Wait until about 10 minutes before they arrive, use your powers and you still have enough time to pop the kettle on when you’re done.
And think of all those things you miss, when you see something amazing about to happen but know you don’t have time to get your camera phone/iPod and immortalise it. Well, now you do.
Sent an embarrassing e-mail/text while drunk? Slow the pace and leg it round there sharpish, stopping the message from being recieved.
Your friend is about to do something stupid, but you’re the other side of the bar? Well, you’d probably let it happen because it’d be funny, but were you in a more charitable mood you could always run over and spare his blushes.
And without sounding too pervy, you could be a bit of a pervert. Turning that brief glimpse of flesh into a proper gawk.
But the main reason I’d want this ability? So I could become a superhero.
If I’ve learnt one thing from the hours of my life I’ve put into watching Smallville
, its that being able to move a lot faster than everyone else would save your ass. Dodging punches, hitting people harder and faster than they can react too, you could be decking the third person before the first assailant has even hit the ground.
Also, you could do a total Neo when faced by armed opponents.
There’s a bomb due to go off in seconds? Slo-mo it up! Grab the bomb and leg it to a safe spot, ditch it and haul ass out of the danger zone.
Bada-bing! You just saved the day, hero.
Essentially you’d have become the Flash, and as the fastest man alive you’d have to use your powers for good, to cross universes it’s like Uncle Ben said
With great power, comes great responsibility
And that’s why it’d be slowing down time, every time.
Man, this was one geeky post, but you know what, I’m okay with that
Any thoughts? You know what to do. TTFN
Its been a good day, I bought comics, had a Subway and spent my evening chilling out with a couple of beers. I got talking to my housemate and once again my desire to travel is starting to smoulder.
Ian, my housemate has done the year long work-holiday visa for Australia, something that I’ve looked into before and which looks super cool. His stories of drinking and hostel life have really reignited my wish to go there, and its now joint favourite for a major excursion.
Australia has long been high on my list of dream destinations, I’ve yet to hear anyone who’s been there slag it off and I’d love to see the amazing wildlife. Also, Aussies seem to like a party and it’d be good to have a year of partying and socialising.
The other is to teach English in Japan, this mainly caused by the fact that Japan seems like a fascinating, if extremely bizarre place. Also, I watched The Last Samurai this week.
Japan looks completely fascinating, I’d like to investigate things like martial arts, manga and to see if that rumour about the pantie vending machines is true. Also, I’d quite like to wander around the Blade Runner-esque streets of Tokyo.
I’d love to travel for an extended period of time, jack my job in, spend a few months, maybe even a year abroad. Trying out new things and meeting interesting people. Having to live completely in a different society with its own customs.
So that’s the choice, Japan vs Australia.
Sorry for the briefness of this post, but I really struggled to come up with something I was in the mood to write about until around 11:45, giving me just 15 minutes to knock this one up to maintain my postaday record.
Any thoughts, you know what to do? TTFN.
Topic #242- Bucket List
Its odd that you always assume a term or phrase you use is widely known. The other week I was discussing the so-so Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson comedy The Bucket List with my mum, and she asked me what a bucket list was. My little sister also said that she’d heard the term before but didn’t know what I meant, so I explained that its a list of things you want to do before you die.
Like most people, I’ve always had a mental bucket list, but decided it was about time I wrote one down, and as it was a suggested topic I figured I’d go for it.
Why have I called this part 1? Because I’ll probably come up with more experiences I want to try and things I want to do, and also, should I get my act together and complete all of the ones on this list I don’t want the Grim Reaper to misinterpret this as a sign that I’m ready to go.
The following is a list of thrills and more simple pleasures I want to experience and places I want to visit.
1. Visit all 7 continents
I’ve been to 3, leaving me just North America, South America, Antarctica and Australasia. Its a big world out there and I want to see as much of it as possible.
Discussed this in an earlier post (17/11).
3. Go down in a shark cage
Always wanted to try scuba/snorkelling so I could see what life is like under the sea. I also think sharks are pretty cool but not sure I’d want to be out in the open with one, so a shark cage would do the trick.
4. Score a goal at the Liberty Stadium
Ideally this would be in a title deciding Swans match or the goal that sends Wales to the World Cup, but the chances of those are slim. But I’ll take a charity match, or a half time penalty (there has to be a keeper in the goal, otherwise what’s the point?). Or I might just smuggle a ball into a game, hop the advertising boards and bang one in past a stunned away keeper.
5. Run a marathon
Maybe my minor successes at jogging have gone to my head, but I’ve always said I’d like to do this before I’m 30, so I have over 3 years left. Best continue with the jogging then. 2013- Year of the marathon? I only hope that its not the thing I do just before I die, collapsing just after the finish line like Pheidippiedes.
6. See the pyramids
7. Experience zero gravity
As a chunky git I’d love to experience true weightlessness, maybe go up in one of those vomit-comet planes where you get a quick burst of zero G, would just be pretty awesome.
8. Get a tailor-made hat
Should that be milner-made? I’ve never had a hat that properly fits my gigantic bonce, and I’d like to change that at some point.
9. Put it “all on red” in Vegas
10. Run up the Rocky steps
Would love to go to Philadelphia and recreate the iconic moment the Stallone classic.
11. Jump off Mostar Bridge
A 60ft leap from the bridge into the river below. Saw it on one of Michael Palin’s shows and wanted to do this. Voiced this desire in Sri Lanka, and everyone reckoned I couldn’t do it, so I’d quite like to do it to prove everyone wrong. Also, it’d probably be a big rush.
12. Day of the dead in Mexico
13. Bobsleigh run
Maybe its because I saw Cool Runnings at an impressionable age, but this has always seemed like a really cool thing to try and I imagine the thrill is amazing.
14. Fire a machine gun while hanging out the side of a helicopter
I can’t remember when I first saw this, or what movie it was in, but I know that since then I’ve thought it was one of the coolest things I’ve ever seen, and would love to give it a go.
15. Be in the Guiness book of records
I’m not sure what for, will have to research this.
16. Coast-to-coast US road trip
Of all the trips I spend my time daydreaming about this is one of the major onew, would love to go to the States, and a cross country road trip just seems like it’d be totally awesome, as there’s tons of cool things to see and you’d probably meet all kinds of interesting people.
17. St. Patrick’s Day in Dublin
18. See a World Cup football match live
19. Stay in the penthouse suite of the Hard Rock Hotel
The best hotel suite in the world- it has its own bowling lane! Having seen this in The OC I’ve had a massive urge to stay there.
20. Try a Man vs Food style challenge
Gluttony as competition.
21. Make a movie
I went to uni with the dream of being a director, and I’d like to give it a go sometime.
22. Try magic mushrooms
I’ve always been curious to see what this would be like and to see if they are mind expanding as many people say, also I’d be quite interested to see what I see.
23. Take part in a wrestling match
I’m not asking to be part of the main event at Wrestlemania, but I’d quite like to step into the squared circle at some point. It might be fun, and it’d definitely be an experience.
24. Jump something in a car/on a bike
Rock it like Evel Kneivel.
25. Swim naked in the sea
I wanted to do this in Sri Lanka but on the last day, there were too many people about, which I was gutted about because I think it’d feel really good, like part of nature and feel totally free in the that moment. God that sounded a bit New-agey didn’t it.
Any thoughts? You know what to do. LLAP
I’m really not happy about yesterday’s post. It was written about when I was under the cosh, knowing that I had to leave for work, so I couldn’t work on it as much as I wanted to.
I suppose that’s the problem with posting every day, eventually the quality level is going to dip, and while the bar isn’t that high on here, I have been fairly happy with some of the posts I’ve written. Yesterday wasn’t one of these, so apologies.
I had wanted to write about what subject I’m covering today, but knew I hadn’t given it enough thought and wouldn’t have time to explore it fully.
Anyway, as I’ve written about a few times I’m on a couple of dating sites, for a couple of days more at least, and while it did lead to me chatting to a fairly cool girl and having a couple of great dates its mainly just served to infuriate and confuse me.
Bad profiles, odd acronyms, people choosing to advertise themselves with pictures of their kids, there’s a lot of confusing behaviour, but this week it dawned on me that one of the oddest, nastiest things was actually done by the site itself.
Everyday my e-mail is clogged with messages from the sites, new offers and features mainly but they also send you recommendations of people nearby and also notifications when people send you a message.
But the thing that boggles my mind is the notifications of people who have viewed your profile.
I’m sure they intend it to stoke your interest so you go check out who’s been checking you out, but I think that ignores the key factor in these messages.
Sometimes when I’m out drinking I check out the female clientele of the bar I’m in. Okay, I do this every time I go out, without even thinking about it. The other week I had training with work and without even realising I was doing it, I’d decided which girl I thought was the most attractive within minutes of arriving.
I instantly felt bad about this, was I being a twat, objectifying women in this way? Probably. Or does everyone do this?
Anyway, back to the bar situation, I’ll check out girls and if one catches my eye and I’m drunk enough to fool myself I have a chance with them, I’ll go over and talk to them. Usually with humiliating results.
Its perfectly innocent and harmless, but let’s imagine I went up to every girl I’d looked at and moved on from and said:
Just so you know, I checked you out, but didn’t fancy you.
That’s what this e-mail is doing. These are people who have read your profile but decided you’re not for them.
That’s fair enough, I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea, in fact I’m like those herbal teas you see on the shelves in a supermarket but never actually see anyone buy or drink. Sure, there’s probably people out there who like it but finding that person is pretty tough.
I’m comfortable with that, but I’d be lying if I said that opening my inbox to discover that four people have stopped, looked and moved on, they may as well give them the subject header:
Hey, Chris, here’s another woman who decided you’re too ugly/dumb/boring for her to bother with. Have a nice day!
Cheers for that.
Why not just let me and other people live in ignorant bliss?
In fact my iPod just chirped and I recieved an e-mail to let me know that quite a foxy goth girl had stopped by and decided she didn’t like what she saw.
Where was I? Oh, yeah, ignorant bliss.
Yeah, just let it go, allow people to imagine that the site is just quiet at the moment. Don’t drive home the point that nothing’s biting! They’re already on a dating site so they probably don’t feel brilliant about themselves.
Also, it just seems a little dickish.
Topic #239- Top 10 Songs
1. Fortunate Son- Creedence Clearwater Revival
A brilliant riff and fantastic lyrics on the nature of being an outsider. Simply a cracking good song.
2. Hurricane- Bob Dylan
The opening track from one of my all time favourite albums, Dylan’s anger filled chronicle of the Reuben Carter. The lyrics are, as you’d expect from Dylan, fantastic and the brilliant musical arrangement, hinged on a captivating violin riff. Dylan tells the story in an emotionally powerful way that can’t help but cause horror at the injustice.
3. Tracks Of My Tears- Smokey Robinson & The Miracles
THE best pop song of all time, a delightful song about trying to hide the hurt of a previous relationship. Smokey’s voice perfectly conveys the hurt and the lyrics are deceptively simple, and for such a sad song it still has a pretty upbeat singalong chorus.
4. Hurt- Johnny Cash
Cash’s cover of the Nine Inch Nails track improves on the original as Cash’s age and world weary voice lend it gravitas absent in the original.
5. Hell’s Bells- AC/DC
From the first tolling bell onwards your in rock classic territory, as the song builds up into my personal favourite track by one of the greatest bands of all time. It serves as a brilliant opening salvo for their Back In Black album.
6. Ace Of Spades- Motörhead
A short, frantic burst of pure rock ‘n’ roll, built around an intense, fast paced riff. Has there ever been a line that captures the spirit of rock ‘n’roll more than “I don’t want to live for ever”?
7. Ghost Town- The Specials
A haunting ska classic about inner city life in Britain in the early 80s. Its a brilliant track which once you’ve heard once you never forget.
8. At Last- Etta James
James’ powerful voice is complimented by the rich, luxurious backing track. It’s a glorious track about finally finding love, and utterly gorgeous.
9. The River- Bruce Springsteen
A beautifully melancholic track from the Boss, about a young couple who are trapped in their small town as reality slowly spoils their dreams and love. Springsteen’s understated, poignant lyrics are marvellously evocative and the opening line
I come from down in the valley, where mister, when you’re young, they bring you up to do like your daddy done
perfectly encapsulates the claustrophobic nature of small towns.
10. White Riot- The Clash
Post uni I really got into The Clash, as a fed up dole scum, the anger spoke to me. This quickly became one of my favourites, the disaffected call to arms totally works when you need to vent some frustration. Also the fact that the Swans use it as a pre-game track adds to what it means to me.
Topic 237- Assemble your dream dinner guest list (6 people)
This is a common question, in fact I’m surprised it hasn’t been turned into a TV Heaven Telly Hell/Room 101 style show where different celebrities explain to the host who they’d invite and why, as well as throwing in a few people they’d hate to eat at the same table as (I think Hitler would have to be a given, in the way that Desert Island Discs gives you the Bible and the Complete Works of Shakespeare). Similarly, I’m surprised there’s no “guilty pleasure” show where people pick a crush, film, TV show, song and food item.
Anyway, back to the point. I did a bit of research on this one, because I wanted to see what other people had said, and to see just how out of step I was with the rest of the population.
It turned out that they did a poll of Premiership managers and the number one pick was Muhammad Ali, who is quite a good pick to be fair, although doesn’t make my list. Maybe if I’d had 10 places as I’m sure he’s an interesting dude and would have some amazing stories to tell.
Apparently another poll taken discovered that David Attenborough was the most popular choice, which again, I can understand, although the joint second placed picks completely baffle me- Gordon Ramsey? You invite a top chef round for food? Margaret Thatcher?! JK Rowling? Kylie Minogue? Seriously? I don’t mind Kylie but out of everyone in the world, living or dead that’s who you’d pick?
Another person I’d imagine is quite popular would be the Dalai Lama, and the writer of this piece says that:
The Dalai Lama could probably teach myself and other guests more about life in an evening than the whole of the self help and psychologies section on Amazon so I’d get him along.
Hmm, well that may be, but having followed HHDL on twitter for quite a while, I think you can pretty much get what he wants to say from Bill and Ted, that is- “Be excellent to each other”.
Anyway, I’m waffling, time to get down to my guest list.
First pick, and for me a no-brainer, is Stephen Fry. He’s witty, intellegent and fascinating, having read his books and seen him on various TV shows I can’t imagine that sitting next to him would be anything other than a delight, the conversation would flow and I’d probably learn some interesting new things. I’m not ashamed to admit it that Fry is one of an alarmingly long list of man crushes, although entirely on the basis of coolness and personality.
Seated the other side of Mr Fry would be Emma Thompson, like Fry she comes across as being a clever person, and also I have a massive crush on her. I’d probably avoid talking too much to her one-on-one because I’m not sure I could stop myself from gushing about how marvellous I think she is.
Next along (I’m imagining a longish table, three on each side, with me at the head) I’d have put another man crush of mine, George Clooney, who seems like a total dude and game for a laugh, while also giving the impression that he’d be interesting to talk to.
Opposite George I’d have the delightful, Victoria Coren, who could finally fully explain how to play poker along with seeming to be a genuinely clever, charming and funny person, I could also ask her if its possible to get a copy of the porn movie she made in the book Once More With Feeling, as having read the book many times I’m rather interested to see how it turned out.
Next up, the legendary Lemmy, who could probably share a colourful tale or two and I could have a drink or two with after the meal.
My final guest would be another singer, the utterly captivating Lady Gaga. Now first up, I’m a massive fan of her work and also think she’s probably slightly barmy, but she seems like a fascinating person and I’d love to see what she’s like in real life. In interviews she comes across as being pretty cool.
Although, as with Emma Thompson there’s a risk that after a few too many screwdrivers with Lemmy I’d embarrass myself with a cack-handed attempt to chat her up.
Who would you invite?
Topic 307- What skill would you most like to learn in 2012?
I meant to post this last night but then got into a discussion with my housemate about one of the things discussed in the blog, so missed midnight so figured I’d write it today instead. Does mean I missed the 16th, must try harder to make it one a day.
Over the last couple of years I’ve been following a slow plan of self improvement. And while I still have a long way to go I think in lots of ways I’m in a better place than I was 2 years ago.
I’ve travelled, lost a little weight (more on that at a later date) and moved out of my parents’ house.
But like I said, there are still many rivers to cross, and I figure a good way to feel better about myself is to try some new things so this topic suggestion spoke to me and here are the 5 skills I’ve decided to try and learn next year.
1. Ride a bike
This is something I never did as a kid and, may as well be honest, I never really saw as being that much of a loss. But recently I have thought it might actually be a skill worth learning.
I walk to work fairly regularly and I’m also within walking distance of town now, and while I quite enjoy wandering down on foot, being able to cycle would make it quicker and easier.
Also, for some reason I’ve started thinking it’d be cool to go on a cycling holiday. Trundling from place to place on two wheels would be cheaper and also I think give you more of a flavour of local life.
As I live alone-ish it’s about time I learnt to cook more than lasagne, pasta bake and spaghetti, for man can not live on pasta alone.
Also being able to whip stuff up fairly quickly would stop me getting takeaways out of laziness. And it’d also be quite nice to be able to invite people round for food, almost as though I was a real grown up.
A long term goal of mine, an something I fancy doing far more than learning to drive a car.
Bikes are just cooler, I never understood those people who drool over cars, I mean sure a Mustang or an Impala looks cool but for me it doesn’t go beyond that. But since properly starting to like motorbikes thanks to HST and Sons of Anarchy I’ve caught myself actually stopping in the street to ogle a Harley. That’s the kind of bike I like, old style cruising bikes as opposed to the more modern Japanese style.
Bikes just give an aura of adventure and freedom, you just see one parked up and the opening bars to “Born to be wild” start in your head, and you imagine hitting the open road, the wind in your face and the Tarmac stretching out of you into the unknown distance. Well, you do if you’re me anyway.
And there’s an element of danger, a car feels like a cocoon, a safe space for you to travel in. But on a bike you’re out there on the edge.
It’s also a plus that a lot of cool people have driven bikes- HST, Che Guevara, Billy Connolly, Captain America and The Terminator to name but a few.
This just looks like it would be a trult amazing experience. I was talking to Ian, my housemate about it last night and he’s done it before. And despite hearing some horror stories about people’s chutes not deploying and crash landings, none of that put me off. Also, I can use doing this to raise money for charity so it’ll be a good deed at the same time.
5. Up to you, what skill should I learn?
If you have any ideas of something I should try out, let me know.
Anyway, I’ll keep you up-to-date on how I progress with them, and feel free to tell me if you’re trying to develop any new skills next year.
Topic #45- If you could go back in time and have a 5 minute conversation with yourself ten years ago, what would you say?
I thought this topic was pretty cool, and got me thinking about how much I’d want to tell the younger Chris. Have my experiences led me to be the man I am today? Could altering how events unfold change who I am as a person?
I decided I’d give him some advice and a a few vague tips but avoid giving him some obvious spoilers.
I had thought that I’d start off by telling myself not to do geography as a GCSE and to take Drama instead. The reason for this would be because geography was boring as hell, to the point where I started to actively fancy our shrill teacher Mrs Owen. She wasn’t unattractive, but a combination of boredom and hormones meant that by the time I finished my GCSEs she’d become a goddess in my mind.
Also, I’ve always thought that had I taken Drama it might have made me a more confident and outgoing. Of course, it could have been a major mistake, but still, I wonder what would’ve happened if I’d changed subjects, despite not having ever shown a knack for performing.
But then I realised that I couldn’t give this advice, as 10 years ago I’d already done my GCSEs and was in college. This realisation stopped me dead. Its been over 10 years since I did my GCSEs.
Man, I feel old.
I guess the main stuff I tell him would be-
1. That not applying to uni in my second year would be a good idea.
For a while, I wasn’t sure I wanted to go to uni, but after spending a year on the dole and doing a solitary AS Level in film studies, I realised I did and it meant I went to uni with no doubts, and thoroughly enjoyed it.
Also, delaying a year meant that I was in the same year and hall as the guys who would go on to be some of my best mates.
2. Start writing a diary.
I’m not sure 2001 Chris would’ve known what a blog was, but I think telling him to write a daily diary would have been good and given me something funny to read now.
3. Sambuca is rank, don’t bother with it.
4. In my second year of uni I’ll get pretty low, just knuckle down and get the work done.
While at uni I had a bit of a second year slump, where I started wondering what the point of it all was, and as a result I decided not to bother with massive amounts of work and missed far too many lectures. Luckily I managed to pull it together on my resits and continued to my unimpressive degree.
5. That I would eventually lose my virginity
And that I didn’t need to worry so much about it and obsess as much. And more importantly that when I did lose it, it was awesome and with someone who I had strong feelings for. I know that sounds cheesy but I like that the memory of it hasn’t been soured.
6. The bad news that The Matrix Sequels will suck
7. Take risks.
Some of my best experiences have been because I’ve taken chances or punts on halfbaked ideas. And I only wish I’d been braver and tried more things.
8. Listen to the people hassling you about your weight, when you do lose some you will feel better.
9. Buy AC/DC’s Back In Black album now.
I didn’t get a copy of it until 2009, far, far too late on.
10. The winner of the 2008 Grand National will be Comply Or Die, and Mon Mome will win the year after.
Topic #28- If you were stranded on a desert island, and could only bring one music album with you, which would it be?
It’d have to be Bob Dylan’s Desire.
I’ve always liked Dylan since my dad had a copy of his greatest hits on cassette when I was a kid, and I later owned a copy which features some brilliant songs (Blowin’ in the Wind, Like a Rolling Stone, Subterranean Homesick Blues, Positively 4th Street).
Those songs are great, but I never really got the whole “Dylan’s a genius” thing.
And then I heard Desire. Its one of his mid 70s albums and every one of the nine tracks is brilliant.
And it includes three utter classics- “Hurricane”, “Isis” and “Joey”. Each one is a folk-rock epic. “Hurricane” is the powerful, angry condemnation of the wrongful imprisonment of the boxer Rubin “Hurricane” Carter, its based around a brilliant violin riff and Dylan’s rage at the injustice is tangible. “Joey” is the story of a mobster’s life and death and “Isis”, a gorgeous, lyrical folk song.
Those three songs alone make it a classic album and every other song stands up. Its a gorgeously produced album of beautifully crafted songs. If you’ve never heard it I strongly recommend checking it out, you won’t regret it.
Having a copy of Desire to listen to over and over again would keep me sane, well for a little bit longer anyway. I’d still snap but at least when they find me having drawn a face on a volleyball I’ll be serenading it with “Mozambique”.