15 Minute Blog: Psycho Seagull

Current mood?

Tamping.

Fuming.

Raging.

I’m currently sat down waiting for MWF (as a taken man 60% of my life is waiting) as I wait I sip a pink lemonade Lucozade to sate my thirst. My hunger, however, is not satisfied.

This is despite me spending £2.99 at Starbucks.

Urgh, tax dodging Starbucks.

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I’m more of a Costa man, but needs must. I’d got a breakfast roll. Having worked 8 hours this morning it was something I was looking forward to.

Sausage and egg and bacon, oh my!

I got two bites.

Two measly bites!

Why? I hear you ask (think the title may have tipped them off- Editor Chris)

Because I fell victim to a “psycho seagull”.

After a summer of rubbishing the tabloid hyperbole and “psycho gull” craze I actually got attacked by one.

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Quality journalism

I was strolling along eating away enjoying the rare September sunshine when this feathered f**ker swooped down.

It cuffed me around the head with it’s wing and grabbed a beakful of roll.

So startled was I by this winged w**ker that I dropped the roll. Though I’m not sure eating a roll covered in gull gob would have been advisable.

The avian a**ehole then landed nearby and eyeballed me and my lost food. With no other avenue I turned the air blue with an angry rant that would make Tarantino blush. Throughout this the beaked b*****d looked at me, looking smug. Or smug for a seagull.

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Finding Nemo got it right. Seagulls are jerks.

I briefly considered throwing my bag at the…at the…dammit! I’ve ran out of bird themed alliterative curses!

Wait!

I briefly considered throwing my bag at the gobs**te gull but thought better of it. It probably would have just stolen that too.

I love nature and animals but in that moment had a gun been to hand I’d have blown that bird away faster and more coldly than Clint shooting a bandit.

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Are we going to be forced to abandon al fresco dining? Are picnics to be a thing of the past?

Are we doomed to live in fear of these aerial rats?

I hope that gull chokes on that roll.

Any thoughts? You know what to do. BETEO.

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