Bare Faced Cheek: Simple Simon ass motherussias

On Saturday I spent my evening watching the 2014 Eurovision Song Contest. I love Eurovision, and watch it pretty much every year.


It’s meant to be a celebration of music and European unity, but the main draw is it’s innate naffness- terrible presenters, daft performances and even dafter lyrics, followed by blatantly political and biased voting (the Scandinavian countries back each other up, and all the small Eastern European states give points to Russia).

But despite all this it’s marvelous. There’s usually one or two decent songs, a few others that are laughably bad and us Brits get the sarky commentary of Graham Norton, which is a delight in itself, poking fun at the acts and the event’s presenters, who are usually terribly cheesy, and this year had a running Chinese gag which wasn’t funny and didn’t make a lick of sense.

This year the winner was Austria’s Conchita Wurst, with “Rise Like A Phoenix”.

Now my flatmates and I had been scoring throughout the tournament and our favourite was Iceland’s wonderful Pollaponk who had a kind of OK Go vibe with their wonderfully positive piece of power pop “No Prejudice”.

However, Conchita’s song was pretty ace and had a kind of Bond theme vibe, so it was a worthy winner.

Conchita had got a fair amount of coverage in the run up to the event. This was due to her unique appearance and the controversy it kicked off.

Denmark Eurovison Song Contest


Several of the Eastern European nations, most notably Belarus and Russia, were not happy about the inclusion of Conchita in the contest and called for her to be edited out of the broadcast.

Belarus actually hosted a petition, which stated that Conchita’s inclusion would turn Eurovision into “a hotbed of sodomy”, which is laughable in it’s hyperbole and homophobic terror, but at the same time would make one hell of an album title, maybe for the next Scissor Sisters LP?

Firstly, they seem to have forgotten that back in 1998 Israel won the event with singer Dana International and her belter “Diva”. Dana having been born as Yaron, a man.

Secondly, have they not realized that Eurovision has long been campy and accepting? I mean, pretty much anything goes at Eurovision, and it’s a bit rich for Russia to get all pissy when they put up faux-lesbians Tatu as their act in 2003. So, two girls using sexuality to generate controversy and cash is fine, but a lady with beard is an assault on moral decency?

Personally, I think it’s disgusting that they’d try and derail Conchita’s appearance in the event, because quite frankly, it ain’t their choice. Austria picked her to represent them, and it’s their choice, and they can’t expect the rest of Europe to share their prejudices.

Thankfully the rest of Europe was far more accepting and seemed to have taken Conchita to their hearts even before the event, and seemed determined to put forward a show of unity, support and acceptance. This and the quality of her song combined to give her a convincing win by a 52 point margin.

Conchita appeared visibly moved by the win, and I think most people were pleased with the event (which was on the whole pretty ace, with a few high quality acts)

But apparently some folks over in Russia were not happy about this. The Russian Orthodox church weighed in stating that Conchita was part of a new agenda to “reinforce new cultural norms” and was further rejection of Christian identity. Is it? Was there anything in Conchita’s performance which the big guy would have been upset by? Unless the man upstairs was rooting for Poland’s milkmaids or something?

This year's awkward Eurovision sexiness

This year’s awkward Eurovision sexiness

I often think that a lot of cats who set themselves as spokespeople for Jesus don’t seem to embody the values the man was setting forth. There’s a whole lot of judgement and hatred coming from guys who claim to follow a dude who seemed pretty accepting and decent, I mean, this is a guy who said he would send no one away and that people shouldn’t judge each other.


Of course, the Russian Orthodox lot aren’t exactly known for being the most progressive bunch, but sadly other Russians are also acting out over the whole thing.

Following Conchita’s win a bunch of bigoted and unpleasant douches took to social networks to post pictures and videos of them shaving their beards in protest to her win.

As protests go, it’s hardly the most effective.

I doubt everyone’s gonna go round saying “Oh my god! Those Russians shaved their beards, maybe we should change our votes and give it to someone else?” And also, if you see those dudes around beardless are you going to know what they were going for? You might just think they like the cleanshaven look?

Hell one of the guys who’s shaving with a defiant middle figure salute doesn’t appear to have that much of a beard anyway. Maybe he can’t actually grow a decent beard and this is actually more about his facial hair insecurities and jealousy. As someone who can’t get further than a patchy puberty fuzz, I feel your pain man, but there’s no need to be dick about it. Nobody thinks less of you because of that, they think less of you because you’re a hateful douche.

I would get mad about it, but I quite like the idea of these douches walking around getting slapped in the face by the cold Russian winds. They’ll know that any discomfort/pain they experience is a result of their intolerance and maybe they’ll realize that hate doesn’t really help anyone. And it’ll be a rare example of near-instant karma.

Any thoughts? You know what to do. BETEO.


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