Ps and Qs- Psychokinesis and Queues

Sometimes, when I’m bored I play a little game in my head, a game that I’ve played frequently since I was about 13.

The game is called- What would it be like to have superpowers?

This usually revolves around which superhero’s powers would make my current task easier, or how given Superman’s powers I’d start kicking ass and taking names, bringing in dictators and facing down armies.

Usually when I have these daydreams I segue into fantasizing about become a much beloved and courageous costumed hero, fighting crime, saving lives and generally being awesome. This usually culminates in a noble last stand style showing which leaves me either badly beaten or dead in a blaze of glory (I know it’s weird to daydream about my death, okay!)

I kind of assume that I’d be a hero. I mean, sure, there’d be using it for personal gain, but for the most part I’d use my powers for good.

But now and then I have little moments where I think to myself- maybe I’d go dark side.

Not fully, let’s destroy the world or play with the blood of my enemies and their families dark, but definitely not heroic.

I think I’d probably be like the Hulk. I’d like to help others, but every so often my temper would release itself in destructive ways.


Take the other day for example, had I been blessed with telekinetic powers I’d have definitely used them to injure an annoying person.

I was queuing up in a bakery and there were two people in front of me, some old lady and a pretty blonde. Now, the blonde had actually come in after me but, as I’d had my back turned and was looking at the shelves I wasn’t technically in the queue. However, as the little old lady was being served another blonde woman entered, this one slightly older, and looking like a slightly older version of the first. She stood next to the first blonde and so I assumed they were sisters or mother-daughter.

Until the little old lady left and both blondes stepped forward to the counter.

“Oh, sorry, you were first.” Said the older blonde.

Damn right, I thought, and I was second!

I moved forward and as the younger blonde was being served I cleared my throat. This was because I was about to talk and didn’t want to croak at the baker lady, but also because it was queue-code for “Bitch, don’t even think about it!” and drawing attention that I was in front her.

With the younger blonde served the baker lady called “Next!” and the older blonde burst forward like Usain Bolt out of the blocks. I was caught by surprise and she quickly placed her order. I contented myself with shooting her daggers, rolling my eyes and tutting. Aside from shaking my head and “harumphing” I’d used all the irritated British person in a queue arsenal. As she took her bag I fired another daggers look her way.

It was then that I realized that I’d have used my telekinetic powers to avenge this instance of poor manners. I’m not saying I’d have decapitated her with plate glass or anything, but I definitely would have made the bag of her iced buns split or the heel on her shoe break so that she stumbled face first into her cakes.

"Leave it, Chris! She's not worth it, we must use our powers for good!"

“Leave it, Chris! She’s not worth it, we must use our powers for good!”

The annoying thing is, I should have said something, but I pussied out. I was kinda caught by surprise but I should still have piped up with “Excuse me, there is a queue!” in the huffiest way I could manage, but I’d just cursed her inwardly and glared at her.

The thing that bugged me was that she can’t have not realized I was before her, I was stood there, when she came in, holding a bottle and standing facing the counter. I was clearly next in line, but she just barged in. I wasn’t in a rush, so it wasn’t a massive deal, but it was the principle of the thing that annoyed me.

To my angered state her breach of queuing etiquette was a symbol of all that was wrong in the world. If we forget the manners and rules of queuing British society will crumble. Where would we be if people just barged in willy-nilly, ignoring people who’d been waiting longer?

Italy, maybe.

Anyway, the weird thing is, that today, I actually let someone push in front. But the way it happened was different.

I was grabbing a coffee at Costa (other coffee shops are available, but this is my brand) and picking a sandwich when this tiny kid stormed into the gap in front of me, clearly wanting a closer look at all the cakes. She was eagerly scanning them when her mother, a rather attractive young lady came up and apologized to me for her kid’s actions.

Now, on any other day, I’d be sitting here typing up a rant about how annoying parents who can’t control their kids are. But, I’m in a good mood today. Have been since I woke up, oddly. I think it might be because I woke up with Mystikal’s “Shake ya ass” stuck in my head and it’s impossible to be grumpy when you’ve got that in the background.

So, I told her not to worry about it and she proceeded to ask her daughter what she wanted. With the selection made (kid went for a chocolate corn flake nest thingy, the idiot, doesn’t she know they do giant Custard Creams?) she took the kid’s hand and was about to move to the back of the queue, behind me.

As there was nobody else in the queue, I wasn’t in a rush and the kid looked like she was going to explode if she didn’t get some chocolaty goodness soon, I flashed my best nice guy smile, praying that it didn’t look creepy, and said “You go ahead.”

I’d be lying if I said it had nothing to do with the mum being rather foxy, but I still felt that it counted as a good deed for the day (I try to do at least one a day, in the firm belief that if we all did this that the world would be a little bit better).

As I walked out I thought how weird it was that my response to both things had been so different, how my general mood had prompted a totally different reaction to someone pushing in front of me. Maybe I’m just a soft touch when it comes to cute kids and their foxy mothers, but I think it was because I was just happier today.

I felt sure it was going to be a good day and taking a sip of my coffee I smiled and thought to myself- Attention all y’all players and pimps, right now in the place to be…

Any thoughts? You know what to do. BETEO.

PS In order of it being the 15th of March-



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