A Brief Fall From The Wagon

165 days.

It was about 167 days ago that after getting completely blitzed at a house party I woke up feeling rough and worried about my drunken behaviour, and so I vowed to go straight edge.

To be honest there was little or no temptation to drink for the first few weeks, the embarrassment and pain of the hangover were still fresh in my mind and there was no inclination at all to drink. After that I kind of got used to not drinking, I went out with friends once or twice, and with family and avoided drinking easily enough. I even managed a proper night out to Swansea without any booze.

I knew I was coming up to a rough period, I’m away for a lad’s weekend next week to Edinburgh, which would be a big challenge. Then there was Christmas, where a combination of tradition, the work night out and holiday stresses would all serve to pile on the pressure of my new found sobriety.

I didn’t expect it to be last night that I’d crack though.

I’d gone round a mate’s to watch the rugby, and had no intention of drinking, even given how badly Wales played. Then one of my friends produced something called “Doom Bar”, now, call me stupid but if something has “doom” in its name you’ve got to check it out.

My downfall- a well named beer.

I had a sip, and it wasn’t too bad. But I decided to go back on the soft drinks, debating inwardly whether or not this meant I’d broken edge or not. I had, I knew I had, but I didn’t want to admit it right away.

Anyway, later on despite constant flicking and pestering I’d maintained a relatively clean night, but on returning from the toilet I found a Jagerbomb waiting on the table in front of my chair. By this point my mates had gotten pretty drunk and had done a few Jagerbombs already. Unwilling to argue, and with it already having been paid for I drank it.

Yuck.

It was rank, I hate Jager and mixing it with Red Bull had not improved the taste.

I refused to join the subsequent rounds and felt pretty bad that I’d caved to peer pressure at all. As the night went on I couldn’t really tell if the tiny amount had effected me, as I was quite highly caffeinated (I know some people who go straight edge don’t do caffeine either, well to them I say, sod that, I work night shifts, I need caffeine and also, I ain’t giving up tea for anything short of saving the world) and a little sleep deprived, so I was able to joke and goof around with the guys, although maybe not quite as much.

I did feel a little different after drinking it, but that might just have been my mind playing tricks on me.

I don’t really have an excuse for drinking last night, other than I felt a little left out, which is extremely lame and I guess I did the Jagerbomb because I was also feeling a little awkward as the person I’m worried I offended on my last boozy night out was there again, and it took ages for me to actually talk to them, and there seems to be no bad blood, which is good and suggests that whatever I said/did can’t have been as bad as I feared.

I woke up feeling a little bleurgh, but I can’t say that it was down to the booze, although it might have contributed it. I think it was mainly down to my guilt and self loathing in cracking under pressure and breaking my little vow to myself. I just think it was kinda weak and stupid of me to do it, and I’m a little disappointed in how I just broke with what I’d said I was going to do.

Bowie judges me for my failing, as I judge myself.

The guys talked a lot about the weekend away and seemed to think I should drink for it, and may well point out that I drank last night so I’m off the wagon. I think they’re worried I’ll be boring and stuff if I’m sober, and kind of want a big mental bender. I’m up for some shenanigans and craziness but I’m not sure diving head first back into alcohol in a strange city is a good idea. I still have the same issues with booze as before, so I don’t think I should be going back to it at all. So, I’ll just have to try and have a good time while sober and just get stuck in.

The downside of this is anything stupid I do will be without the “I was drunk” defence.

This right here is me jumping right back onto the wagon.

Here we go.

Straight edge take 2.

Any thoughts? You know what to do. BETEO

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