Five Years

Today I headed up to Cardiff for my youngest sister’s graduation, it was a lovely day, the weather was nice and Cardiff was filled with happy, smiley ex-students and their proud parents. Miriam continued the female Page tradition of getting a 1st class degree, and I’m really happy for her, she’s worked really hard over the last three years and deserves the good result.

But as I sat there waiting for her and my parents to come back from the ceremony, reading Emma on my Kindle and marveling at the surprisingly high number of attractive Cardiff students (seriously, it was like 90210 or Hollyoaks) I started thinking about my own graduation, which worryingly now lies 5 years behind me.

Five years.

That’s half a decade, how the hell has five years passed so quickly?

The passage of time is natural but some times it just amazes me how quickly things can change and milestones can pass without you even noticing.

I can’t understand how its been so long since I graduated, I mean, sure I’ve lived the five years and done a lot in the intervening time, but at the same time, it just doesn’t feel like it. I don’t feel five years older or more grown up, I still feel the same as the guy who looked like a total dork in a cap and gown.

Even The Rock can’t pull off a graduation gown..

But I guess since I am me any changes that have happened have probably been so gradual that I just figure that’s how I’ve always been. Man, this is a lot deeper than my usual blogs and is kind of spinning me out. I’m watching Memento as well, which probably isn’t helping.

Confused? You will be.

I guess maybe I’m more confident now, although maybe I’m not. I think my confidence peaked at uni, I had lots of friends around all the time, was dating a girl who at the time I was in love with and actually liked being the centre of attention and the buzz that came from me making people laugh at my jokes. I used to tell lots of jokes.

At uni I felt like a key part of the gang, you know? I never said it out loud but I considered myself to be a funny guy. But since uni I think that’s kind of dwindled, among my old school friends I’m not Chris, the joker, I’m Page, the joke. I’m not saying my old mates rip the piss out of me all the time or anything, its just, well, when I’m around them I feel like the awkward teenager I was in school and college. One of the background guys, the guy who does stupid stuff, the sidekick.

I mean, sure some of the confidence held over- it led me to try my hand at radio presenting, which I was okay at, I guess, and later podcasting (every episode appears to have been taken off iTunes, which is sad for me, but probably not a great loss to the world).

Times like this I wonder what Chris ’07 would think about Chris ’12.

He’d probably be pissed that I haven’t pursued things like trying stand up comedy, my writing and my ambition of making at least one movie. Maybe he wouldn’t get why I’m making the plans I am now for my future, but I guess what’s driven me to do them is the stuff I’ve learnt and experienced during the last 5 years.

I don’t think I could explain to him why I’m doing the job I’m doing now, or that the loved up feeling I had then would pass, and that going long distance would suffocate the relationship I was in, along with my own stupidity and insensitivity. That there’d be a time when thinking of the girl would make me annoyed. He wouldn’t get that, and I don’t think I could tell him because if he knew he might change it and that would make this version of Chris ’12 cease to be, and who knows, it could make my life today worse.

Gods, I watch too much sci-fi and think of all this time travel stuff in too much depth.

Its not all bad, he’d be glad I moved out from my parents, held down a job and got some tattoos. Chris ’07 would be amazed by the running I’m doing, and even more amazed if I told him he’d wind up enjoying going for runs. He’d be glad I went to a few more Download festivals, and probably impressed that I went all the way to Morocco by myself.

Am I happy with where I am now? Not really. I’m doing alright, but its not where I wanted to be but I guess this isn’t the end. I can change stuff, I have before and I can adapt and reshape my life and keep trying to get happy. On good days I feel pretty good, and the fact I’m working some stuff out definitely makes me feel more positive, but there are things I’d definitely change.

I wonder if anyone is ever completely happy. I guess in its own way that would be sad, you’d have nothing to aim for or daydream about if you had everything, and sooner or later you’d get bored, maybe even deliberately sabotage yourself just to get out of it.

I’m rambling, so I should probably wrap this up.

I wonder if I should ask people if they think I’ve changed since my graduation, whether those changes have been for the good or the bad. And I wonder if in 5 years from now I’ll feel any different, or will I still feel like I’m not quite a proper grown up yet? Will Chris ’15 be someone that Chris ’12 will be happy to morph into.

Any thoughts? You know what to do. BETEO.

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