News Grab Bag 2: Time Travel, Mermaids and the Buxom Bandit

Better Things To Do With Their Time

Stephen Hawking recently hosted a party for time travelers, which, of course, he sent invites for after the party. Which was a nice touch. However, nobody came. Now, let’s skip over the whole sad image of Hawking sitting there surrounded by sausage rolls and cheese-and-pineapple-on-sticks going uneaten, and get to my thoughts on the thing.

Cheese and pineapple on sticks. Is this just a British thing? And its a pretty weird idea.

I’m no scientist, so I don’t know if time travel is even possible but lets say it is. If you can travel to any point in the history or future are you really going to waste your time to go to a party with Stephen Hawking. I can think of tons of things I’d rather do, here are my top 10.

  1. Go to the Woodstock festival.
  2. See if Helen of Troy was worth all the bother.
  3. Party at the end of WWII.
  4. Give yourself some advice.
  5. See dinosaurs.
  6. Check in and see what Jesus was really like.
  7. Slap Hitler in the face.
  8. Try and chat up Marilyn Monroe
  9. See what your parents were like as students
  10. Leave a sign that’ll be found alongside the dinosaur fossils saying “Yo, Dawkins, I am real, and your afterlife is gonna suck- Regards, God”. Just to mess with the guy’s head.

Given the choice I’d rather hang out with Hendrix than Hawkings.

Go Fish

In the US, the National Ocean Service had to issue a statement emphasizing that “No evidence of aquatic humanoids has ever been found” after some people were tricked by an overly realistic documentary about Mermaids on the Animal Planet channel over there.

Daryl Hannah- best mermaid ever.

Its a bit worrying that they had to issue a statement at all, but what I particularly like is that they still seem to be hedging their bets with the “no evidence”, which isn’t a full on denial. “No evidence” leaves the door open just in case they have to say “new evidence has emerged”.

Also, they cover themselves with the “aquatic humanoids” to stop people turning round after the mermaid thing and asking if Namor or Aquaman exist.

Aquaman definitely looked more badass with the hook and after he ditched the orange jumper.

When Boobs Go Bad

In Australia recently a new criminal emerged, she walked into a garage, walked around the back of the counter and started robbing the place. She was armed with a knife and threatened staff before making her escape.

So just another crime, why am I mentioning it?

Well, I was drawn to the story by the fact that she’s been dubbed the “Buxom Bandit”, for obvious reasons.

The Buxom Bandit

The lady in question wasn’t a criminal mastermind as she didn’t wear a mask, and only had one glove on. Look, it might make you stand out or show your love for Michael Jackson, but when you’re on the rob you’re gonna want to wear two gloves so you don’t leave any fingerprints at the scene. Which she did. Dumbass.

But despite her ineptitude and wrongdoings I can’t regard this story in a completely negative light, mainly because of the name, which sounds like the best Batman villain never made. Also there’s the demented grin she has throughout, which heightens the Bat-villain thing. Although if she was to try and outsmart the Dark Knight she’d need to raise her game quite a bit.

And also, y’know, I’m shallow and will overlook a multitude of sins for a good rack.

Jessica Ennis

Olympic athlete Jessica Ennis has recently done a shoot for Cosmopolitan ahead of the London 2012 games, which is fair enough, she’s an interesting woman and in the public eye, and in my opinion, quite a looker. Which is what a cover model should have. Ennis looks rather foxy.

Ennis as she appears in Cosmo.

But, I found myself thinking, on a personal level, I think she looks better when she’s in her athletic gear and showing off her phenomenal stomach muscles, which for me, are one of the most stunning things in the world. This is just in here because I saw the story this morning, and just made me think about how sometimes you can be attracted to them in just one setting, and outside of that they don’t retain that same allure.

Stunning.

Thanks to the Huffington Post, which is where I found these stories.

Any thoughts? You know what to do. BETEO.

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